All Those Lonely People

I just know I've got a blog entry inside me just trying to get out these last few days, but what it's going to be about I don't know. Did you ever find that there seem to be certain times when you are most effective at writing something creative and meaningful? And then all the other times, your writing efforts just seem to be a colorless "Yesterday I did such and such, and today I'm feeling blah blah blah" sort of monologue? Well, that's what I'm feeling right now. Too bad for you, lol........btw, I have always felt like a little less of a man for using that damned "lol" abbreviation. Everytime I use it, I feel like it's turning one more molecule of my manly body into a goofy-acting, high-pitched squealing-giggling girlie girl. But no one has ever come up with a more masculine way of expressing laughter online or in writing--at least not to my knowledge. If you know of something better, please inform me so I can stop this slow feminifying process that "lol" is working upon my soul.

Well, now that we got that out of the way, lets get to the real meat of this entry....you know, the highly spiritual-philosophical speech that I am just about ready to begin rambling about in this blog. I think today's topic is going to be on loneliness and the hurting people that I see all around me.

I've seen sad, lonely, hurting, suffering people all around me since I was a child. But I think what over the years has gotten me to pay more attention to them is my own hurting and suffering. As I have lived life--some 33, almost 34 years of it--with each passing year, I feel like I've taken another round in the wash cycle of a washing machine. And I'm getting more and more beat up and beat down by it. My body, my emotions, my spirit. And as I get beat, I begin to understand better why all those people around me look so sad, lonely and in pain.

I'm on a job right now in New Jersey and I'm staying in this little town called Millville. I thought New Joisey was just one big concrete block with buildings on it--it's got the highest capita per square mile of any state. But South Joisey is actually full of woodlands and several small town atmospheres like the one I'm in currently. Anyway, beside the point there. What was I saying? Oh, while staying here in Millville, I had to run over to the drugstore to grab a couple things and as I was about ready to pull out of the parking lot to leave, I noticed this kid--actually, he was probably a man. But he looked like a double image of my brother. He was big with the same body build as him, wore those baggy faded blue jeans that my "little" brother likes to wear. He had glasses and a real short buzz cut like Brent. Wore a raggedy ballcap and had that sad, distant far-off look in his eyes. Like there was so much going on inside his head, but no one to talk to about it. Someone who's in need of a friend but has to put on the image of being okay and self-sufficient. I just sat there for a few short seconds staring at him. He was just standing there--I think he must have been waiting for a ride--and there was a part of me that wanted to pull up to him and ask him if he needed a lift. I didn't. He probably didn't need one anyway. But ever since then I have just hurt and ached for that boy, kid, man--whatever the case is.

I have prayed for him. I saw loneliness and isolation in his face. I see it in my brother's. And although I, like most guys, want people to think I'm Mr. Manly-man in need of no help, I probably recognized it in them because I know it personally in myself.

Well, like I said, he was just sort of the straw that broke the camel's back and finally gave me enough ammo in my heart and soul to feel inspired to talk/write about it. But I see people like that all the time. And it's not always just loneliness......wait, yes, it is the loneliness. Because I have seen plenty of people who are suffering physical illnesses, who are sad from some sort of personal loss, who are mistreated, abused, held back by the system or society that I haven't just ached in my heart over their pain. And I think the difference is whether they have someone or someones that they can share their burdens with. With God, with a friend, with some family that they are close to. If they have that, then when you talk with them, you can just tell. There isn't that plaintive look in their eyes.

And yet, I have seen way too many people who are hurting who I just know must keep it all inside themselves because they in fact, don't have anyone to lean on. No partner in life and living. And I'm not talking about a romantic relationship for once. I'm just talking about having someone that you go through life with, kind of like a few good war buddies. Because if you were a big military history nut like me, you'd see that that's what this life is really like: a big war with lots and lots of casualties, too many stinging defeats and too few sweet, sweet victories. A lonely and isolated soldier is ripe for the picking by the enemy. But even a small number of soldiers who are that now worn out phrase--a "band of brothers"--are a tough lot to defeat in battle. Even in death, they may go down with a triumphant look on their faces if they know there buddies are nearby carrying on the good fight. But too few of us have that in life. Or, what some of us may have is the potential for some good war buddies, but we are too lazy or caught up in the bump and grind of life to care enough about watching our friends' backs and asking them to watch ours. And so the lonely one-man pockets of resistance can be found everywhere on life's battlefield.

Wow, once again, I don't know about you, but I impressed myself with that analogy. How poetic and perceptive of me if I do say so myself.....and I do. Yesterday, after about 2, 2 1/2 weeks since my last laundry day, I finally dragged myself to the laundromat--yuck. But I've got to admit, sitting in a laundry mat is preferable to having to go shopping in Wal-Mart or a mall. And before anyone says anything about it--you know who you are--I know I just spelled laundromat two different ways. The reason is, I don't quite know which one is correct. If I spelled it like I say it, then I'd go with "laundry mat", but I believe the technically correct version is "laundromat". Anyway, back to the story--well, it's not really a story so much as an observation--if you ever want to see the down and out of this country, go sit in a laundry mat for an hour or two. You don't see the pretty people of this world. You won't find any secret successes or the answers to how to live a successful life in a laundry mat. You might catch a few clues of things to avoid in life if you don't want to have to end up being a person who's reached such a rock bottom that they cannot even afford a washing machine and dryer of their own and now must walk or drive down the street with bags of dirty clothes and just sit with other losers in life while their clothes and lives go round and round in that wash cycle.....of life.

Actually, besides the occasional feeling of uneasiness I've gotten in a laundry mat if I'm the only white guy in the place, I think I'd prefer being there to some high class party with a bunch of drinking, small-talking, never have enough types. Except that I'd like for the fancy food to be down at the laundromat with me and my friends in low places. I like food....almost any food. But once again, I digress. Those fat, ugly, sometimes drugged-out, twang-in-their-voice, losers in the laundrymat--I can identify with them, at least to a point. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing......

Well, if you were looking for a moral to this story, I'm not sure I have one, unless it's somehow hidden in all that stuff I just wrote up above. Maybe it's that now as I see more and more people who are hurting, well, I don't know. I see them, I hurt for them. I hope eventually God will show me how I can reach out to them. Because I feel for them. I feel and know much of their pain, even though I've got one of those cute faces on the outside and fly a plane for a living. I feel the loneliness and isolation. I hope that maybe God will use my pain and the great blessings that I know He has given me but that so much of the time I take for granted--I hope He will bring me to a point that He can and will reach out to them through me. That somehow, one of these days, He'll overcome my stubborn jackassed ways and be able to somehow through me, reveal Himself as the friend and protector and saviour and--their Everything--that He wants them to awaken to someday. Then they won't be alone anymore. Then I won't be alone anymore. Then we won't be alone anymore.

Oh, and I guess the other moral of this blog entry is that I like food. I really really like food. The end.......really good food.......and even not so good food--I'm not a picky eater.......The end........oh, and did I ever tell you that one of my personal goals in life is to eat as many of God's wonderful creatures with barbecue sauce on them as I can, before I am dead and gone? With the exceptions of cats and dogs because they are my friends. I wouldn't want to eat a friend.........unless I had to--like those soccer guys in South America who crashed in the mountains........then I guess I might eat a friend. Actually I have no doubt in my mind I would.......but not with barbecue sauce because somehow that would just seem disrespectful....though it wouldn't offend me if they put some sort of barbecue or hot sauce on me......okay, now that I've weirded you out or grossed you out, or both.........THE END..........Really

Agreements

The past two days have been trying emotionally. Yesterday, I learned of some pretty horrible things that my little sister is going through. Suffice it to say that these things are the things parents’ nightmares are made of. Can’t say any of it really surprised me too much though, because I’ve always known that just like Tam and myself had, my younger brother and sister have a lot of tumultuous emotions just brewing under the surface of their outward demeanors. It’s sad, but seems to be a natural by-product of growing up in the ******** household. Years of living in an extremely critical environment, coupled with a severe suppression of openly expressing ourselves, seems to be what has bred it, at least from my point-of-view. The good thing is that I believe this is going to be the beginning of a new chapter for my sister. What I really fear now though is that in the pursuit of “finding herself” she is going to run into all kinds of wrong spiritual notions, beliefs and ideas. And unfortunately, whereas my Dad pretty much crammed the religious stuff down Tam’s and my throats, he seemed to have swung to the opposite side of the pendulum with Brent and Ash. From what I can see, they have been given very limited spiritual guidance. And I feel bad that I haven’t been more of a spiritual presence in these formative years of their lives. Well, I’ve got to remember that they are in God’s ultimate, all-powerful Hands. Easy to remind others of that when discussing their unsaved family members, not so easy to take that same statement on faith when it pertains to those closest to me.

That was the bad news I got yesterday. At first I thought I was taking it very well, until after I got off the phone with my Mom and Tam. As for my Mom, after I got done talking with her, I felt bad, because I think I may have been a little too abrupt with some of the things I said. And Tam and I got onto a tangent about religion when I mentioned something about Ashley getting into some false ideas. Well, Tam is pretty much against any sort of “organized religion”. I don’t think she’s quite learned to separate what happened to us growing up from what and who God and Jesus Christ really are. What it really means to be a Christian. She has it all confused with “church” and so on. Well, I came home early today from a weather-shortened flight with time on my hands. I got online to do a few things and then my mind starting wandering further and further down that slippery, ever-steepening slope. I could hear God warning me, but I refused to get up and move away from the computer. Without going into all the gory details, I had one of my infamous internet binges. I’ve got to wonder if the emotions going on inside of me right now because of what Ashley is going through, somehow are connected. In fact, I’m sure they are. When stress or pain builds up in my life, all that sex stuff is how I have become conditioned to deal with it. That being said, I am not making an excuse for my behavior. I could’ve gotten up from the computer, but I didn’t. In fact, with the things going on in my family, I would’ve been wise to be on my guard especially at this time.

Well, that’s a brief synopsis of the last couple days emotional garbage, not to mention the fact that I’m going to be relocating here in the next day or two as the weather permits. That is stressful as well. Another thing I’m gradually learning to give to God and place my trust in Him.

So, after my internet binge, thankfully I decided to get back up off the ground and get back with God. One really cool thing about having this laptop and the internet is that I can listen and watch the Vineyard church services online. I listened to the January sermon on Spiritual Warfare—it’s about the fourth or fifth time I’ve played it, and each time I think a little more of it sinks into my soul. At the end, Dave talks about agreements that we’ve made with the Devil—those lies that he has told each of us, those deeply personal falsehoods that we’ve fallen for and accepted over time. The previous times I listened to this message I was really having a hard time thinking of any that apply to me. But this time, several came to mind, and besides purging my soul up above of the emotional garbage and guilt, I wanted to write about some of these lies that I have accepted and allowed to take root deep in my soul:

1. I am and always will be addicted to some form of deviant sexual behavior. I’ve struggled with it for most of my life, and I’ll never beat it. And a step beyond that, I will most definitely always be addicted to addictive behaviors, whether that be sexual in nature, abusing alcohol, money, games—you name it and I’ve probably used it to escape from reality to an unhealthy degree.

2. I will never reach the potential that God has for me. In other words, there are people He’d like to touch through me, and I’m never going to get to that place where He can really use me to that end. Just look at what’s happening to my very own family. Sometimes, I feel like we’re slowly but surely disintegrating as a coherent family unit.

3. Following God means missing out on a fun life. If I follow Him with all my heart, I will lose out on experiencing the desires of my heart. I see how life has been so far—lots of pain and turmoil—and I’ve known God at some level since being a very small child. A painful, self-denying lifestyle seems to go hand-in-hand with following God.

4. If I don’t have a relationship, I am incomplete. Dreadfully incomplete. Staying single and unattached, never having any children of my own, would be just about the worst possible thing that could happen to me.

These are the lies that came to mind as I listened to the message online and prayed to my Father in Heaven. These are the lies that I have allowed to take root deep in my soul. They have influenced how I live, the decisions I make. Instead of operating out of the light of God’s truth, I have allowed my enemy, the Devil to gain strongholds in me in the form of these lies. And I know there are others besides these.

I prayed to God to take these lies and to replace them with His truth. I repented of these wrong ideas and asked Him to help me live in the light of His truth:

1. I can and will overcome my addictions to various forms of sexual misconduct. With His help, He will give me the victory. And in fact, I know in my heart that I am making progress. I can see how I am drawing closer to Him since taking this job that places me far from the people and things I am familiar with. As I become filled with Him, there will be no more room for sinful ways. This goes for all my addictive behaviors.

2. God will fulfill His purpose for me. I am a failure without Him, but with Him, I am unstoppable. His Word says that He will accomplish His purposes in His people. I am His, therefore He will do that in me. And if He intends to use me to reach anyone in my family, that He will do. And again, I can see that He is making me stronger in Him. I will not be the big failure that I have believed I would be for so long. I will become the saint that God is daily forming in me.

3. Just like I was mentioning that my sister Tam has some issues with religion that she unfortunately pins onto God and Jesus, I have been doing the same thing with this false idea that following God means no fun and excitement. In fact, I can see times including now, when as I follow Him, life becomes quite the adventure. To quote one of my Dad’s favorite phrases, “The problem is,” it’s been the rare time in my adult life that I have given myself over to Him completely and for any sustained amount of time. Therefore, the years of my adult life have been full of long intervals of pain and remorse and hurt, interrupted by brief moments of receiving God’s blessing as He would like to give to me. No more am I going to fall for the lie that following God is the problem and source of my misery. Just the opposite. Following Him and surrendering myself completely is going to bring the abundant life as Jesus said.

4. I do not have to have a girlfriend or be married to be complete. I don’t have to extend my lineage to be complete. These are strong desires to be true, but they are not requirements in order for me to be a complete person. My completeness is to be found in Christ Jesus alone. Anything He adds to that is called gravy :)

So, these are the truths as I think God has shown me that are to replace the lies I have been holding near and dear to my heart for so long. As I embrace these truths, my decisions and my life will become clearer, just as a filthy, polluted stream transforms into a clear, life-giving stream when clean water begins to flow into it again.

God be praised for His goodness to me……what would I do without Him?

Pre-Lit Up Ceremonies

Okay, boys—well, actually girls—it’s Saturday night, I didn’t have to have to fly yesterday or today, and I’m a’celebratin’. Well, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit. I think it’s really kind of hard to be partying it up in an obscure hotel in a small town in South Joisey. But, in honor of trying to make the most of this Saturday night, I did buy me a couple bottles of really good German and British Beers and some Taco Bell…the stuff that fine dining is made of. I can feel the anticipation building here in this hotel room of mine! Whew! Oh, and I mustn’t forget the NASCAR race that’s about to start! What a party I’ll be having tonight!

Actually, to tell the truth, if I don’t remember that God is right here in this room with me, I may be writing another entry later on tonight sobbing in my beer over how lonely I am, blah, blah, blah….But I’m trying to remember that I truly believe in the deep part of my heart that this really is where He wants me right now. Unlike how I did down in Florida, I don’t want to fight Him on this anymore. He’s been putting me in these seemingly isolated situations for several years now—He’s obviously trying to get some sort of meaningful lessons through my thick skull. I’m tired of being held back a grade because I refuse to learn whatever it is He’s wanting me to learn. Down in Florida, I kept telling Him how lonely I was and how I wanted to be back in good ol’ Cincy. I whined and complained and griped my way through 2 ½ years of living down there. My inclination now is to whine and gripe and complain, but I’m really trying to go with God on this one for once.

Do I want to be in Cincy? Do I want a relationship again after what seems like forever? Do I want to be married and have some kids one of these days? Do I want to have sex again? Do I want to have a flying job where I will be based back home? How about a house? How about a better financial situation? Better relationships with my family members? A big “HELL YES!!!” to all of these things. But I’ve just got to remember that whatever it is He’s doing right now, He’s doing it for my good, not to hurt me.

It’s sad that we grow up with so many faulty ideas about God, but we do. I have to constantly be reminding myself of what the Bible says about His love and passion for us. If I forget, then I very quickly fall for the lies such as “He loves me, but not all crazy-like…..He loves me in a more distant way.” Or, “He loves me and He forgives me of my sins and mistakes, but He’s not really pleased with who you are—He’s actually disappointed in what you’ve become.” The lies we fall victim to are those poisonous ones that are mixed with a lot of truth to better camouflage them as they enter our souls. If Satan tried to tell me that God hated me, or that He wants to see some of us burn in Hell forever, well I think I could laugh those off and move on with life…..Okay, well, somewhere along the way, I forgot my whole point to this speech. Anyway, I’m here in my room by myself—no, with God—and I’m trying to remember He loves me. He wants me like no other wants me. He cares about what I’m feeling on this Saturday night so far from friends and family.

Wow, all that, and I’m not even lit up yet. Not had a sip of beer or a bite of Taco Bell and I’m spouting off. Personally, I think this entry would be more interesting if I did have a bit of beer in me. Maybe I’ll do a post-Lit up entry so my reading audience can decide which is more interesting. I’m thinking those beers have had enough time to get cold in the mini-fridge. Now, if I can just figure out a way to open them up without a bottle opener. This should be interesting. I’m going to have to be creative…..perhaps the bathtub spout-ma-thingie will make a good opener….there’s always the option of prying it off with a key but then you run the risk of breaking the key, and that would definitely suck…..could go up to the front desk and ask if they have an opener I could use—no way, I hate asking for help…..if I can’t think of a way to open them up, then I guess I just don’t deserve them……well, don’t you all worry, I won’t disappoint you, I’ll find a way…….now if I just had a bit of beer in me already, I could be more creative with trying to find a way to open them….what a paradox………

Ugh

Well folks, I was up for about an hour, hour and a half last night journalling. I was in a mood, so it was going to be a Rated R feature, not for the faint of heart. Lots of things swirling inside me, just dying to get out. I plugged my laptop up over by my bed so I could do the deed in comfort, and as I am so prone to doing, when I was finished I hit that magical "SCREW IT UP AND LOSE EVERYTHING YOU JUST TYPED" key on the keyboard. Somehow between shuffling the computer from the bed to the desk where the internet connection is, my hand inadvertently hit that stupid touchpad or who knows what key it actually was. Ugh, I thought. And you know what, after baring my soul in the entry, I didn't even have the heart to get worked up and lose my temper over it. I just placed it in the category of "God's will" and that made me feel a little better about it.

So, sorry there is no main event for you to read, but of course, like I said it was going to be a rough one--one of those lead balloon types. Oh well, you all will just have to wait for my next, tired, angry, lonely, sexually-frustrated, stressed mood for me to repeat such a thrilling entry. Til next time.......

What I Am Thankful For - Page 1 of 27

So I was getting ready to go to work this morning and I noticed a very unusual happening. After I woke up and overcame the initial yuckies (I don't really use that term in real life--it just sounded like an apt description for what I'm trying to describe in this entry) of getting out of bed, I noticed that I was gradually getting--"excited" would be too strong a word--but anticipation was building inside of me over getting to go to work! That absolutely NEVER happens to me! What's up with this?? I thought to myself. I mean, as I got closer to takeoff time, I was actually looking forward to going to work. Amazing--miracles never cease!

And so, I thought to myself that while I am in this extremely grateful mode for my job, I should jump on the chance to write about it and express my thankfulness........before my mind begins formulating and clarifying my gripes about the job. Because we know--at least I know--that in 6 months, I'll be using this here same blog to erupt and spew molten lava-fied complaints about the very same job that I am so excited about now. And to be perfectly honest, if I wanted to, it wouldn't be hard for me even now to come up with a list of complaints about my job....I told you I'm a good complainer. But going in the other direction, here's why I'm thankful for this job of mine:

I wake up early--about 6:30-7:00--make myself some of my el cheapo instant coffee that tastes better than most more expensive coffees I've had. Get my shower if I was too lazy to do it the night before, clean up, get my work clothes on (which I'll talk about more in a moment), check my email, get a wx briefing. By the way, for those of you who aren't in the know, "wx" is a really cool way to say "weather". Actually I think that's a pretty common abbreviation, but it makes me feel more important if I pretend it's Aviation-Pilot jargon. Assuming the...."wx" is good for flying, I get my gear together, pack up whatever snacks and goodies I'm going to munch on up there--and I head out the door. Now, I open up the door of my hotel room and make some comment about how cold or hot it is depending....on whether it's hot or cold. But actually I love it regardless just because I love being outside. Get in my rental car and head on over to the airport.

At the airport that I am currently based, the FBO folks--"fix-based operator" another cool aviation abbreviation that you didn't know until you had a cool pilot for a friend--they actually pull my plane out of the hangar and have it fueled up for me already. What a deal! Saves me like 15-30 minutes of time every day. These guys are great here. I start doing my walk-around, inspecting the plane to make sure a wing won't fall off or have some other less life-threatening issue while we're in the air. You'll notice I say, "we". I've notice that when I am talking with ATC--Air Traffic Control--I also say "we" instead of "I". I think it must be because the plane and I have bonded and we have become sort of one entity, at least for a few hours in time.

I put my gear into the plane, getting everything situated just so. I have my snacks, coffee, and other drinks handy for easy access. Of course, I must carefully ration my drinking with how long I anticipate being up in the air. I wouldn't want to have to dump my off-brand Gatorrade on some poor unsuspecting soul's head 3000' below so that I can use the container as my Port-a-let in the sky. Although, since becoming a pilot I have learned that it seems one is in the minority if they haven't had to resort to such drastic measures at least once in their flying career. I have read so many stories of Taco Bell or Coffee gone bad thousands of feet in the air that it's almost enough to make one reconsider being a pilot. Oh well, enough of such crude, primitive issues. We'll cross that big yellow stream if we ever come to it.

I go into the FBO and make one last-minute pit-stop in the bathroom, say hi to the mechanic guys and jump into the plane......

Okay, now I made a note up above that I was going to come back to my work clothes in this entry. One of the way-coolest things about this job is that basically I can wear what I want to wear to work. I can dress like a slob if I feel like it. I am dreading the day that I actually have to put on one of those corny pilot uniforms, with the OH-SO-STUPID tie. I absolutely hate ties! (See, I couldn't even get through a thankful entry without making at least one side-gripe) But for now, I don't have to worry about such horrible possibilities. I put on my jeans, or when it gets warm enough, my shorts, a long underwear shirt or sweatshirt, a t-shirt, my favorite old 70's knit Bengals boggin, my cool Tom Cruise-Top Gun shades so I can pretend I'm cool because I'm a pilot, and I'm ready to go. Oh, and must not forget a flannel or flannel-type button up shirt with pockets so I can put my junk in them. And that's my work uniform--comfy and yet sloppy and yet refined. One would think I was a big Fortune 500 executive coming to work if they saw me. Like a friend said to me just yesterday, I am a legend in my own time. Not to many people can say that about themselves ; )

Well, I actually had more I wanted to write, but it's like 11pm and I got in bed late last night, so much to the dismay of myself and my readers, I am going to have to make this a "To Be Continued". But hey! You can leave a message and vote on whether to continue this 'Thankful' entry or if it happens to be boring to you, to move onto another subject such as......complaints, or better yet, my theories and ideas on the proper division of responsibilities between man and woman in a relationship. Or my theories on how and why modern day men-women relationships are still like Caveman-Cavewoman days....now there's a thought-provoking topic! Remember, your vote matters.....not really. I will probably write about what I want to write about irregardless. But seriously folks, you've been a great audience tonight. I look forward to seeing you again soon........

PS--I know 'irregardless' is not a real word. I just wanted to see if any of you would notice : )

Lit Up

Well folks, I was really looking forward to making my next entry into this here blog a diatribe on my skewed views of men/women relationships.....seeing as how I'm a chauvenist and all. By the way, just a side note that may explain or excuse anything that is said herein in this entry: I've had a long, stressful day—well, maybe not long, but stressful at least—and I've drank—no, drunk is the proper form—a pint of some really really good Bavarian wheat beer and a glass of some really really really super sweet port wine.

So, like I said, I wanted to entertain my current audience of two—Melissa, meet Lori; Lori, meet Melissa—with my chauvinistic views of relationships, but my boss and some other important people that make the calls for us peons (or is it pee-ons?) has decided in their great money-hungry wisdom that I should go up to some place in New Jersey called Cape May.....I'm sorry, I think that fine German beer and that sweet port wine are influencing me right now. Actually, I'm not. I was pretty ticked off about 3 hours earlier, so I'd say my over-relaxed state-of-mind right now is an improvement on the situation.

Okay, so back to what I was trying to say. If things work out as planned, I am supposed to fly up to this stupid place called Cape May, NJ for a couple two or three days to do some work. And then it'll be off to somewhere else. For those who know me, I don't like being told to do something on a short spur-of-the-moment's notice. If I have the option to do it or not do it, that's fine, or if you give me a day or two's notice that works as well. But change plans on me just like that, and not only do I get stressed, but I also get pretty ticked off with you as well. Here I haven't even had this job two weeks and I'm already griping about it like I was an old-timer! Hmmm.....I'm thankful God, I'm thankful God......I've been doing a lot of praying today, asking Him to help me trust Him with my circumstances. I am such a worry-wart (or is it wort???).

Okay, so while I'm in this buzzed, semi-drunk mode, I would just like to say a great big thank you to all my loyal fans and supporters! Wow, just a little secret about me—if you ever want to pry deep, dark secrets out of me or get me to really open up about what I'm feeling—get me drunk. Not like stupid, pass-out drunk, but just enough to where I want to talk. I'll tell ya what—from what I've observed of myself, I'm a pretty entertaining drunk. Actually, I hate to use the word, "drunk". Would a drunk man, put a comma after the word, "word", or the word "drunk" in quotations?? I think not. Lets use a less drastic word such as "buzzed" or "lit up". I personally like the phrase "lit up". It conveys a sense of fun and jovialiaty, with a possible hint of orneriness in it as well.

Okay, so now that I've either proven to you that I'm not drunk, or that I'm very entertaining when I am drunk, lets move on to what I was really writing this entry for......(another side-note to prove I am not drunk: never end a sentence with a preposition like I just did. Would I know that if I was really drunk??? I submit to you that I would not.)
So, where was I? Oh, I was going to say that when I am buzzed, lit up, or drunk, I am very entertaining. I am either a big cut-up, or I'm one of those guys that starts crying and getting all emotional…..yuck! Think about planes, think about World War II, think about chess, think about anything that doesn't get you emotional.....MUST NOT GET EEEMOOOTIOOONAAAAl......said in a struggling super-hero voice......

Okay, so that's about the fifth time I've used "okay" to begin a paragraph. Anyway, I'll most likely be in stinkin' old New Jersey tomorrow afternoon. Well, I suspect, it's part of God trying to teach me to trust Him in all circumstances. I'm stubborn, but He keeps working with me. I was going to come up with a list of complaints like I think I did in the last post, but I am just to....lit up.....to do that. I'm in a sappy, emotional mood swing right now. It must be that time of the month for me. Okay, that time of the day. Did I ever tell you how much I love you??? Did I ever tell you that I want to marry you??? Okay, I'm sorry, I actually made myself just chuckle out loud there. I guess I actually have an audience of three.....at least when I'm.....lit up. I find myself quite entertaining when I'm…lit up. I wonder how many times I could use the phrase....lit up…in this entry? Hmm…well, I won't try because I suspect that would just bore everybody but me. Of course, I suspect I'm boring everybody but me anyway. And if I keep it up, maybe I'll even get bored with myself.....blah, blah, blah.

Well, this has been an interesting entry—at least for me, it has. Of course, I'm....lit up. So maybe that's why. Even stupid things like what I just wrote can be funny if you're....lit up.

12:35 AM

Oh, man, what was I thinking, writing when I was lit up like that??? I'm more back to normal now….whew, I'll go ahead and post that entry, but I'm having my doubts. You guys might think I drink too much or for the wrong reasons. Probably both are true at times. Ugh, I don't like that brutal honesty policy I'm trying to stick to in this blog. Usually, I like to go back and reread what I've written, but I think I might pass on this one. I'm pretty sure it was dumb and mostly nonsense. What on earth was I doing saying "lit up".....that's not even funny. Well, I guess I was entertaining myself at least. I've got a feeling that happens quite often when I do drink too much—I amuse myself and no one else......no, I know better, others are entertained too, at least occasionally. Just maybe not quite as much as I am. Oh well, for what it's worth, this entry is getting posted…and I'm keeping that stupid title too. Wow, how dumb......

Complaints - Page 1 of 27,000

Alright, so I feel after this morning’s weird journal entry, that I should try to make up for it with a more normal one. Besides, I don’t think I really complained enough in it; I’m sure I can come up with more to gripe about if I try just a little harder.

I’m actually writing this entry in Microsoft Word in my rental car with my company laptop in my friend’s dad’s driveway. I just hope the computer battery doesn’t suddenly go dead before I have a chance to save this. Ooh, that’s a good one—that will be my first complaint. Actually sort of a pre-emptive complaint. I score big points for finding things to complain about before they actually occur. By the way, you may wonder why I’m sitting in somebody’s driveway. While I am in the Norfolk area, my friend Michelle’s father is letting me stay at his house…..MUCHO BETTER than staying in a hotel! Maybe I’ll even break down and go do some grocery shopping. That’s going to require some serious motivation though. In fact, there’s my second complaint—I absolutely hate grocery shopping.

Some people find it enjoyable, but I find the whole process a pain in the butt. Shuffling up and down each aisle, blankly staring at items I am not going to buy. Suddenly finding that once I get to the grocery, every cool food item that I thought to buy during the last three weeks escapes me. Shuffling up and down each aisle again and actually trying to piece together an impromptu menu for the next week or so. Oh, and getting hungrier by the minute….and when I get hungry, I grow indecisive. Most people when they get hungry would probably buy a bunch of extra stuff at the grocery. Me, when I get hungry, I can’t make up my mind what I want, therefore I wander all over the grocery trying to find something—ANYTHING—that looks halfway good enough to eat over the next couple weeks. Ugh, how I hate it! And then once I do finally fill up my cart enough to give myself permission to quit shopping, then I’ve got to go through those stinking checkout lines! And being the cheapo that I usually am, I tend to shop at those mega-Wal-Mart centers where it takes an afternoon stroll just to get back to the refridgerated section to pick up some milk. And the few times that I am able to qualify for the "20 items or less" line—those are the times when someone is writing an out-of-state check or the cashier hits the wrong button, and so it would’ve been better if I would’ve gotten in the "lady with 200 items" line. Man, do I hate grocery shopping. One of these days when I am rich and/or famous, I’m going to hire someone to shop for me. I’ll just give them some money and when they ask what I want at the grocery, I’ll just say, "Surprise me." After all, I’m pretty much a human garbage disposal. Something has to be pretty gross before I will say no and not eat it. Actually, that’s not what I’m going to do at all. Don’t tell anyone, but my secret plan is to get married again someday and then to somehow con my little unsuspecting wifey into doing all our shopping for us....hehehe, yep, she’ll never see it coming until it’s too late.......

Okay, so I beat that item to death, what’s another complaint? Ahh, I’ve got it. I’m going to complain that my friend’s dad hasn’t shown up yet. I suspect the battery will die on me here very soon, and then I am going to be sitting here with nothing to do but wait. Oh, how I have grown tired of waiting over the years. Eeeew (as in the under-your-breath sort of growl one makes when something really ticks them off--kind of the Homer Simpson growl when he gets ticked off), it’s somewhere not too far below grocery shopping on my "Things I hate to do" list. I told him I’d probably not get here till 7 PM, however, the weather wasn’t good for flying so I was actually done with my day by 1:00 or so. I drove around town for a couple hours, and got stuck in traffic—another thing on my "Hate to do" list—and then finally came up here around 4:00. I just want to crash—me that is, not the plane—I am beat. I sure hope he didn’t forget about me. That would suck.

I hate sitting in my car like this, especially when people in the neighborhood walk by or are coming home. I am always paranoid that they are looking at me, wondering what that strange guy is doing just sitting in the neighbor’s driveway.

I know I am dedicating this entry to complaints, but I just have to say that in my little driving excursion around town, I found where the battleship U.S.S. Wisconsin is moored. Or is it "docked"? What’s the difference? I don't know, so if someone can tell me, you win a prize! Woooo what excitement, right!?! Anyway, I found it, and if the weather is non-flying weather like it’s supposed to be, then I’m going to go check it out…that is if I can make it through all the traffic and then find somewhere to park downtown. I hate trying to find a parking spot in a city. When I’m rich and/or famous, I’m going to hire a chauffeur to drive me around. When he asks me where I want to go, I'll just say, "Surprise me." Actually, that’s not really what I’m going to do. Don’t tell anyone, but my secret plan is to get married and then somehow con my wife into doing all the driving. Hehehe......she’ll never see it coming before it’s too late......

Goooood morning, Sunshine!!!

Okay, so a true test of how well my faithful reading audience of one or two people knows me, is when they read the title of this entry, did they think I was serious? To those of you who got the answer wrong and therefore received an F on this test--by the way, that will be the only exam given in this course and therefore count as 100% of your final grade for Shannon 101; hope you didn't botch it up--I am NOT a morning person, except with coffee in hand. I haven't had any yet, and so no matter how quiet and peaceful it is right now--and I love the quiet and peace at this early hour--I am still not a morning person. Perhaps you can just tell that by how much sense I am making in this entry here. I really don't know what my point is for this entry. I think I had one when I first when I first trekked on over here to my blog to write in it, but I have since forgotten in the space of about 10 minutes. I'm still not very much awake or alert yet. Which is all a roundabout way for me to get to my main points of this entry:

1. I am soooooo glad to be being paid to fly a plane finally!!! It's great up there! There is nothing like it.

2. I am going to give you a list of gripes and complaints before I am done. I told you that I am always able to find some crud behind the silver lining of any cloud. (Don't tell anyone, but in truth, I am really enjoying where I am at right now with job, life, etc. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone by being too chipper and cheerful and without complaint.)

3. I just got done chatting with someone that I have been bad with online in the past. I am ashamed to admit such things to others, but being brutally honest about myself in some way(s) shape(s) or form(s) is one of the things that I think that helps us to become free of our past and our hangups, even though it is tremendously embarrassing at times. Again, I am sorry if it's TMI for some, but I simply must be honest and open here about who I am and the struggles I deal with. Now, the good thing is this conversation I just had with her was not a bad one. She was trying to get the conversation to degrade into sex talk and all, but I shared with her what God is doing in me, and that if we are going to keep in touch, we really must be encouraging each other in our walks with Christ.

4. It's amazing how many people online say we are christian, yet we behave as though we are not. I think it must be because of the perceived anonymity of it all. This wasn't one of my original points, but sort of something that just came to mind from point #3.

5. I miss everyone back home. I love my job, I am making good use of my time out here, but truthfully, I am counting the days until I get to come back home for good.

6. I only got 4 1/2 hours of sleep the night before and only about 6 this morning. I like it when I wake up just about 1-2 minutes before my alarm clock goes off. I hate it when I wake up (like I did this morning) an hour and 15 minutes before it's set to go off. Of course, if my internal alarm clock didn't wake me up when it did, I probably wouldn't be writing this. That may be a good thing or a bad thing.....but most likely it's more in the realm of neutral, trivial, or does not matter one way or the other. I like having the chance to write like this, on the other hand, when the NTSB writes their final report on why the pilot crashed his plane into the ground, they'll probably say if I had just one extra hour and 15 minutes of sleep, I would've been okay and everything would've been just fine. Sorry to scare anyone--that's just my morbid humor shining through. Don't worry, I flying am good to goo. My ahnd/eye coofdination is goodo thsi mroning. Alrrt and readyi to fly. But seriously folks, God goes with me in the plane and He'll bring me back. Just watch, you'll see another entry in here later, just to let you know everything is ooookay :)