Bashing Session

I’m feeling like an idiot. Not because I am in a horrible mood or a self-pitying mood, but, rather simply because I am one. I think I could find several people to agree with me on this.

Why do we do things to hurt ourselves? Why? I want to know. Why do I keep my vision focused no further than 2 steps in front of me instead of looking further down the road when I weigh my decisions? I waste time. I have wasted so much of my life away. Even when God has shown me the error of my ways and given me opportunities to straighten my path, I stray again. Like an idiot. A big fat idiot. Why is it that others can see our blind spots, but the one person whom they affect the most, cannot? That’s why they call them blind spots, idiot. If I could see my blind spots they would be called “seeing spots”. Whatever. I’m an idiot.

You know what is really frustrating? When you start to hear friends and family members tell you the same things over and over about yourself, and yet you feel so blind and powerless to change. No, that is not a good feeling at all.

Sometimes I am so willing to give advice to friends or family, but even as I give it, it’s almost as if I am speaking a prophecy of the advice I’m going to need myself within a few days of giving it to someone else. I think maybe if I would keep my mouth shut more often with my friends and instead give myself a lecture every now and then, we’d all be better off.

And lets talk about relationships for a brief minute. Wow, now here’s an area where I am the king and queen of idiots. The screwed-up relationships in my life were the basis I used for my application to the Loser Club that Michelle, Simon and I started. At one point I was even the president due to the fact that I had almost no social life, no money, no career….not to mention all the bad decisions I’d made to help me reach such a highly-esteemed position. I relinquished the position for a while, but I think judging from recent events I may just have the credentials to run for a second term as the Loser Club President. I’m an idiot. For all the brains I’ve got, I’ve done diddly squat with them. I’d trade some of that IQ I like to brag and joke about for some better decision-making skills in life.

Boy, I’m in a bad mood. I reckon I’m going to post this to my blog, but I’m thinking I might have to delete it after a while. This is just too depressing.

A Little Side-Tracked This Morning

Ready, Okay! For some strange reason I’ve always wanted to start one of my journal-blog entries like a goofy cheerleader. I don’t know why. But now I can say I’ve done it and accomplished one of my top 100 goals in life.

I have no idea what I’m going to write about right now—it’s 10 a.m., I haven’t even opened the curtains to the room, my friend Michelle is still here with me (she’s still in bed—what a bum!), and I’m still working on my morning coffee. Hurricane Dennis has moved on past our part of Florida without anything more dramatic than seeing the flag being blown like crazy. Overall, I’d have to say it was a disappointment, though I guess in the whole big scheme of things, my desire to be in the middle of a big hurricane storm is a rather small sacrifice to pay so that others may keep their homes, possessions and lives.

I’ve had a lot swirling up inside my head these last few days. Which makes me think this is going to be a pretty boring entry. No, for real, this one really is. I think I preface quite a few of my entries with either the “boring” warning or the “you’re going to think I’m a pervert if you read this” warning, but my gut tells me that this time you really will be bored with this one. Boy, that coffee is good. I love my el cheapo Wal-Mart brand instant coffee with sugar and milk in the dented mug my Dad gave me. It’s one of my comfort items while I am away from home. Want to know some of my other comfort items? I’ll tell you anyway:

1. My Bengals boggan that Gladys the Hotel Desk Girl that I’ve been seeing has a hold of right now. All I know is she better make sure to give it back before I have to leave.
2. My can of Skyline chili that my friend Lori—Quaker Girl—included in the birthday care package she sent me. I love Skyline and Goldstar Chili!
3. Homemade chili. It’s one of the few meals I don’t mind cooking up if I have the means. Especially good during football season.
4. A good WWII story—once again, thanks to Lori, I have a couple now that I am reading.
5. A few good friends. It’s been so much fun having Michelle here to pick on these last few days. I love the friends God has given me!
6. Oooh, here’s a good one—a sleeping bag! Or actually, just about any piece of camping equipment. But a sleeping bag is one of the better ones because you can wrap up in it and be warm and cozy. It’s a little known fact that a sleeping bag will protect you from all manner of creatures. As long as you’re tucked deep inside your sleeping bag, bears, big-foots, snakes, monsters, vampires, crazy-psycho murderers—none of these guys can hurt you. They can toss you around while you’re inside the sleeping bag, but they cannot actually get you, which is the important thing. Just remember that. Always have a sleeping bag handy when in those creepy, scary situations.
7. A good fire. I love fire.
8. My backpacking socks. So warm and cozy!
9. A good sweatshirt.
10. A random call from a friend or my family.
11. Flying a plane a mile up in the sky with the world’s greatest view.
12. Picking around on my guitar is slowly becoming a comfort item/activity as well, even though I still am not good at it.
13. The number 27. It’s my number.
14. Finding a penny on the ground. My friend Juliette reminds me that it is a reminder that God is thinking of you, is with you. Keeping that perspective, it’s rather interesting the particular times that a penny just happens to pop into view. I try always to pick it up and keep it. Reminders like that are good.
15. Ooh, another good one—my cats. I love my cats. Marshall and Danny Boy, they are my buddies. They are with my family right now. I sure hope I can have a home of my own someday soon and take them back to live with me. Danny Boy is the outdoor cat, like me he feels couped up if he’s stuck in the house for too long. Marshall on the other hand, he’s quite adaptable. He’s had to be. He’s lived in about as many different places as I have. And he loves to be a pest like me—my Mom tells me he’s always picking on Ashley’s cat. Good for him!
16. Tri-County Vineyard back home. Even if I don’t run into any friends over there, I still love being there. It’s my home away from home. My spiritual home in a sense.
17. Watching movies with Brent and Ash. We usually end up disagreeing on what to watch and fighting, but on those rare occasions where the three of us can agree and we choose to be nice to each other, then we have a good time.
    
    Well, Michelle and I are going to try and make it to a church down here, so I guess I better get going. I almost always misjudge my time and end up being late, or near-late. I guess I’ll have to do another blog entry later because this one wasn’t the boring flush-my-brain-of-all-its-swirling-thoughts-and-emotions-type that I thought it was going to be. Oh well.