I had an interesting thing happen on Sunday....
....and as I was going through it, I just kept telling myself, "This is going to make a great blog entry." Well, now that I'm attempting to write about it a couple days later, I'm really not sure if it will or not. As I was going through the experience, I was thinking of all kinds of funny, witty things I'd be able to tell about it, but now that I'm here putting keystrokes to monitor screen, all those humorous details escape me. So, too bad for you and too bad for my own writer's ego, this won't be nearly as interesting to read as what I was envisioning on Sunday.
What happened you ask? Well, I went to the 9am service at this church 5 minutes away. In recent months I've been going there during the week and people pray with me. On the form they have you fill out, one of the questions they ask is if you are baptized in the Spirit. Well, I certainly believe I have the Holy Spirit living in me. If He/It wasn't living in me, then I'm sure I would've done a lot of things in the name of fun and sexual pleasure that instead I've foregone. It's not always fun having Him or It live inside me. I guess it's not all about fun though. Besides, I digress. So anyway, when they ask that question, I'm assuming they are referring to speaking in tongues, which I've never done, unless one considers English a valid tongue, Biblically speaking :)
It so happens that this past Sunday the sermon was going to be about being filled with the Holy Spirit, so I thought I'd go. I did. And it was 9am....actually more like 9:15, since I can't even get myself to a church on time that is 5 minutes away. I am not awake at 9am, even if I'm up and moving around. It's an act. And even if I have coffee - which I did - it's still debatable whether or not I'm all there at that hour of the morning. So, we're singing songs during the first part of the service. Actually, they are doing most of the singing, and I'm doing most of the coffee sipping and looking around at everybody, probably scoping the church out for cute dark-haired chickies who seem to be single and available. Finally, we get done with singing and we have a couple minutes to meet and greet before sitting down. It's a rather small congregation and the pastor makes his way back to meet me. He seems like a nice fella. So far, so good.
We sit down and next come announcements and so on. He asks if there is anyone attending for the first time. Well, he's already met me, so I can't very well hide from that question. I raise my hand, but fail to notice if anyone else has raised theirs. No big deal. He invites anyone coming here for the first time to join him between this service and the 11am service for a little meet and greet with the pastor. All the while he's looking back at me as he gives directions where it will be. I'll receive some sort of little welcome gift as well. Okay, so still no big deal, and it'll probably be enjoyable to chat with him for a few. And he can't talk with me too long since I'm assuming he's got to run the 11am show as well. And maybe it'll be a good CD they give me....
Next comes the message or sermon, depending on what you're used to calling it. Talking about being filled with the Spirit. Making some references to speaking in tongues. Everybody close your eyes. Just ask God to fill you with the Spirit as your eyes are closed and you pray to Him. Okay. How many of you have never been filled with the Spirit and want to be?? Just raise your hand and I want to say a prayer for you, keeping your eyes closed. Okay, eyes are closed, so I can raise my hand anonymously (big mistake!) and no one will see. A little more smooth singing and praying with heads bowed, eyes closed (I'm assuming everyone else is doing what the preacher says if I am too). Now those of you who raised your hands, I'd like for you to come up to the front and we're going to pray with you --
Okay, stop there. It's like 10am, I'm not the most alert frog in the pond at this hour, I've not finished my ration of coffee yet, and I've already raised my hand in the pastor's sight. I've been had! And since I plan on coming back here for prayer during the week, I can't very well walk out of the church. And he knows where I'm sitting because he came back to meet me as well as looked straight at me and talked to me during the announcements. I'm a goner. I've got to walk up that aisle to the front, like it or not. It's at this point I feel the swift current of circumstances sweep me off my feet and I can only become a rather uncomfortable participant in the events as they unfold. Well, I guess we roll with it and sees where it takes us.
Well, first it takes us up to the front of the congregation. That is so where I want to be at 10 o'clock in the morning - not. So a couple men come and pray with us. There are four of us who answered the call to come to the front. At least I'm not alone. I hear the congregation murmuring prayers, some speaking in tongues, some singing. Well, at some point, we'll surely get some cue that it's okay to make our way back to our seats. Oh but wait, I forgot, we came up to be filled with the Spirit. Hmmm, I've never spoken in tongues. This is going to be really interesting to say the least. I'm going to be their problem student, I just know it.
The pastor - to the best of my recollection - comes by and prays for each one of us. Come on, surely it'll be okay if we just pray, praise God, raise our hands a little and then go back to our seats. But nooooooo! It's not! He instructs a couple of the men in the congregation to take us out to one of the adjoining rooms and work with us! Oh boy, now they are really going to find out how much of a problem student I will be for them when it comes to this whole tongue-speaking thing! I feel this current making a sudden and turbulent acceleration. What have I gotten myself into?? I just wanted to go to a church service!! Here I made plans to do double duty on Sunday and this is how I'm rewarded?? I step outside my comfort zone to go to a small church and God rewards me with being singled out??? Ugh. Well, nothing to do but go with the current and see where it takes me at this point. Fun fun.
We file into a room and sit down, the four of us hand-raisers. This is just a little odd. I'm being facetious - it's a lot odd and a few years ago, by now I really would've been feeling icky at being in this strange and foreign place from which there is no escape now. Instead, today I just comfort myself in that this is going to make an entertaining blog entry. Go to a happy place........The two guys that led us in here start talking to us. Something about speaking in tongues and what it's about. Damn if I remember any of what they were saying. I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point, much less make sense of anything they are telling me. One of the guys - we'll call him Bruce, since that's his real name - tells us to relax and just make a sound. Don't be afraid, you have to use your vocal chords.
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........in my toad-sounding, nervous morning voiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice...........
Okay, now just add another sound to that sound. Don't think about it, just let the sounds come to you. Now add another sound. You're speaking in a Heavenly language, that's understood in Heaven.....Hmmm, I'm only hearing monosyllabic sounds tacked on, one after the other, but I'm trying to go with it......
LaaaaaaaaaaaaaaDeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeDaaaaaaaaaaaaaTeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......this doesn't sound like anythinnnnnnnnnnnng to meeeeeeeeeeee.........I hear a guyyyyyyyy to my leeeeeeeeffffftt stutterinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggg out soundsssssssssssss.........How long do we have to stay heeeeeeeerrrrrrrre????????????........
A few minutes of this and one of the tongues-teachers tells the other three fellas they can file back into the sanctuary. Keep practicing this on your own and you'll get better at it.....Oh, but me - it was exactly as I feared. They have found me out. I am definitely the problem child, the problem student who has to stay after school for more instruction in the way of making mono-syllabic noises. (I just wonder if they would've noticed it if I faked it?? "la ri do est y mi conturo zi doeste mocha coom pluriso......." Then I could've left like the other three guys and wouldn't be sitting here right now! Stupid, Stupid!!!) Ugh.....I'm hitting the rapids now.....
What are you afraid of? he asks me. I laugh. Loudly. I'm nervous. Very. I'm really thinking hard now about making this into a blog entry. Go to a happy place.....a very happy place.....oh boy, wouldn't it be a hoot to see Lori in this place??? I think I'm feeling out of my comfort zone! She'd be freaking right now! So, I'd like for you to just make one sound, and then add another. Don't think about it. Just let them come to you. I make another gravelly Laaaaa sound for him. I guess it gets an F because he's still there and he's not telling me I can leave yet. Okay, I'd just like you to relax and lets try this: I'd like you to put 5 sounds together - just let them roll off your tongue. Oh, man, he's giving me a ticket out of here! If I can just string five childlike noises together maybe I can make my escape! I see a light!
LaaaaaaaaaWeeeeeeeeeeee......that's twoooooooo.........nothing else is coming to me.....don't crack under the pressure.............ugh...........I laugh. Not good.
More lecturing and instruction and asking me what my fears are and how it takes practice. I smile. I try to switch tracks a little and tell Him how I grew up in a very reserved home and church. I tell Him how I feel more free at home by myself before God, and yet I long to be able to worship God without being worried about what others think around me. It only briefly distracts him. Back to making sounds. Just 5 sounds. Ugh, dude, I am not going to make LaaaaaaDeeeeeDaaaaaa into a Heavenly language! (I don't tell him this of course) I laugh more. I think about the blog entry I'm going to do on this one. I look at the clock and there's no way I'm going to make it to the Vineyard church service on time. Oh well. I'm a prisoner, what can I do? He tells me for the 14th time to not think about it. I tell him I cannot not think about it. And I laugh some more. I consider trying to distract him again by saying that I think I've been blessed with a gift of laughter and seeing life and the christian walk from a humorous perspective that others don't always see. That's a gift too isn't it?? And therefore, if I have that gift maybe it's not completely necessary for me to speak in tongues today. But I think better of it and keep my mouth shut....other than laughing and some low-level "Laaaaaaaa"ing.
Finally, I can tell he's getting tired. And I tell him I'm just not feeling it. I'm going to have to practice this on my own or something to that effect. Anything to make him not feel like a bad instructor. The trouble's not in your set, it's in mine. I'm experiencing Technical Heavenly Difficulties. The trouble is not in your set. You can let me go now. Pleeeeeeeeease!!!!!!!!! For if he feels like it's his fault I'm not speaking in a Heavenly tongue, he'll never let me go! Must reassure him and shake my head to anything he says at this point. Just let me out of here!
He gives me a few parting comments - all very friendly - and tells me that in no way is he wanting me to feel like he's condemning me. And for my part, I don't take it that way at all, thankfully. He's really a nice man. I'm sorry to disappoint him. He reassures me this is not an issue of salvation, which thankfully again, I already know. If I didn't know this, I'd probably be buying myself a one-way ticket to Hell on Priceline.com as soon as I got home. For I've definitely received a grade of F minus in Tongue-Speaking 101 class today......
Postscript - He did finally let me go. I guess I wore him out.
What happened you ask? Well, I went to the 9am service at this church 5 minutes away. In recent months I've been going there during the week and people pray with me. On the form they have you fill out, one of the questions they ask is if you are baptized in the Spirit. Well, I certainly believe I have the Holy Spirit living in me. If He/It wasn't living in me, then I'm sure I would've done a lot of things in the name of fun and sexual pleasure that instead I've foregone. It's not always fun having Him or It live inside me. I guess it's not all about fun though. Besides, I digress. So anyway, when they ask that question, I'm assuming they are referring to speaking in tongues, which I've never done, unless one considers English a valid tongue, Biblically speaking :)
It so happens that this past Sunday the sermon was going to be about being filled with the Holy Spirit, so I thought I'd go. I did. And it was 9am....actually more like 9:15, since I can't even get myself to a church on time that is 5 minutes away. I am not awake at 9am, even if I'm up and moving around. It's an act. And even if I have coffee - which I did - it's still debatable whether or not I'm all there at that hour of the morning. So, we're singing songs during the first part of the service. Actually, they are doing most of the singing, and I'm doing most of the coffee sipping and looking around at everybody, probably scoping the church out for cute dark-haired chickies who seem to be single and available. Finally, we get done with singing and we have a couple minutes to meet and greet before sitting down. It's a rather small congregation and the pastor makes his way back to meet me. He seems like a nice fella. So far, so good.
We sit down and next come announcements and so on. He asks if there is anyone attending for the first time. Well, he's already met me, so I can't very well hide from that question. I raise my hand, but fail to notice if anyone else has raised theirs. No big deal. He invites anyone coming here for the first time to join him between this service and the 11am service for a little meet and greet with the pastor. All the while he's looking back at me as he gives directions where it will be. I'll receive some sort of little welcome gift as well. Okay, so still no big deal, and it'll probably be enjoyable to chat with him for a few. And he can't talk with me too long since I'm assuming he's got to run the 11am show as well. And maybe it'll be a good CD they give me....
Next comes the message or sermon, depending on what you're used to calling it. Talking about being filled with the Spirit. Making some references to speaking in tongues. Everybody close your eyes. Just ask God to fill you with the Spirit as your eyes are closed and you pray to Him. Okay. How many of you have never been filled with the Spirit and want to be?? Just raise your hand and I want to say a prayer for you, keeping your eyes closed. Okay, eyes are closed, so I can raise my hand anonymously (big mistake!) and no one will see. A little more smooth singing and praying with heads bowed, eyes closed (I'm assuming everyone else is doing what the preacher says if I am too). Now those of you who raised your hands, I'd like for you to come up to the front and we're going to pray with you --
Okay, stop there. It's like 10am, I'm not the most alert frog in the pond at this hour, I've not finished my ration of coffee yet, and I've already raised my hand in the pastor's sight. I've been had! And since I plan on coming back here for prayer during the week, I can't very well walk out of the church. And he knows where I'm sitting because he came back to meet me as well as looked straight at me and talked to me during the announcements. I'm a goner. I've got to walk up that aisle to the front, like it or not. It's at this point I feel the swift current of circumstances sweep me off my feet and I can only become a rather uncomfortable participant in the events as they unfold. Well, I guess we roll with it and sees where it takes us.
Well, first it takes us up to the front of the congregation. That is so where I want to be at 10 o'clock in the morning - not. So a couple men come and pray with us. There are four of us who answered the call to come to the front. At least I'm not alone. I hear the congregation murmuring prayers, some speaking in tongues, some singing. Well, at some point, we'll surely get some cue that it's okay to make our way back to our seats. Oh but wait, I forgot, we came up to be filled with the Spirit. Hmmm, I've never spoken in tongues. This is going to be really interesting to say the least. I'm going to be their problem student, I just know it.
The pastor - to the best of my recollection - comes by and prays for each one of us. Come on, surely it'll be okay if we just pray, praise God, raise our hands a little and then go back to our seats. But nooooooo! It's not! He instructs a couple of the men in the congregation to take us out to one of the adjoining rooms and work with us! Oh boy, now they are really going to find out how much of a problem student I will be for them when it comes to this whole tongue-speaking thing! I feel this current making a sudden and turbulent acceleration. What have I gotten myself into?? I just wanted to go to a church service!! Here I made plans to do double duty on Sunday and this is how I'm rewarded?? I step outside my comfort zone to go to a small church and God rewards me with being singled out??? Ugh. Well, nothing to do but go with the current and see where it takes me at this point. Fun fun.
We file into a room and sit down, the four of us hand-raisers. This is just a little odd. I'm being facetious - it's a lot odd and a few years ago, by now I really would've been feeling icky at being in this strange and foreign place from which there is no escape now. Instead, today I just comfort myself in that this is going to make an entertaining blog entry. Go to a happy place........The two guys that led us in here start talking to us. Something about speaking in tongues and what it's about. Damn if I remember any of what they were saying. I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point, much less make sense of anything they are telling me. One of the guys - we'll call him Bruce, since that's his real name - tells us to relax and just make a sound. Don't be afraid, you have to use your vocal chords.
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........in my toad-sounding, nervous morning voiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice...........
Okay, now just add another sound to that sound. Don't think about it, just let the sounds come to you. Now add another sound. You're speaking in a Heavenly language, that's understood in Heaven.....Hmmm, I'm only hearing monosyllabic sounds tacked on, one after the other, but I'm trying to go with it......
LaaaaaaaaaaaaaaDeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeDaaaaaaaaaaaaaTeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......this doesn't sound like anythinnnnnnnnnnnng to meeeeeeeeeeee.........I hear a guyyyyyyyy to my leeeeeeeeffffftt stutterinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggg out soundsssssssssssss.........How long do we have to stay heeeeeeeerrrrrrrre????????????........
A few minutes of this and one of the tongues-teachers tells the other three fellas they can file back into the sanctuary. Keep practicing this on your own and you'll get better at it.....Oh, but me - it was exactly as I feared. They have found me out. I am definitely the problem child, the problem student who has to stay after school for more instruction in the way of making mono-syllabic noises. (I just wonder if they would've noticed it if I faked it?? "la ri do est y mi conturo zi doeste mocha coom pluriso......." Then I could've left like the other three guys and wouldn't be sitting here right now! Stupid, Stupid!!!) Ugh.....I'm hitting the rapids now.....
What are you afraid of? he asks me. I laugh. Loudly. I'm nervous. Very. I'm really thinking hard now about making this into a blog entry. Go to a happy place.....a very happy place.....oh boy, wouldn't it be a hoot to see Lori in this place??? I think I'm feeling out of my comfort zone! She'd be freaking right now! So, I'd like for you to just make one sound, and then add another. Don't think about it. Just let them come to you. I make another gravelly Laaaaa sound for him. I guess it gets an F because he's still there and he's not telling me I can leave yet. Okay, I'd just like you to relax and lets try this: I'd like you to put 5 sounds together - just let them roll off your tongue. Oh, man, he's giving me a ticket out of here! If I can just string five childlike noises together maybe I can make my escape! I see a light!
LaaaaaaaaaWeeeeeeeeeeee......that's twoooooooo.........nothing else is coming to me.....don't crack under the pressure.............ugh...........I laugh. Not good.
More lecturing and instruction and asking me what my fears are and how it takes practice. I smile. I try to switch tracks a little and tell Him how I grew up in a very reserved home and church. I tell Him how I feel more free at home by myself before God, and yet I long to be able to worship God without being worried about what others think around me. It only briefly distracts him. Back to making sounds. Just 5 sounds. Ugh, dude, I am not going to make LaaaaaaDeeeeeDaaaaaa into a Heavenly language! (I don't tell him this of course) I laugh more. I think about the blog entry I'm going to do on this one. I look at the clock and there's no way I'm going to make it to the Vineyard church service on time. Oh well. I'm a prisoner, what can I do? He tells me for the 14th time to not think about it. I tell him I cannot not think about it. And I laugh some more. I consider trying to distract him again by saying that I think I've been blessed with a gift of laughter and seeing life and the christian walk from a humorous perspective that others don't always see. That's a gift too isn't it?? And therefore, if I have that gift maybe it's not completely necessary for me to speak in tongues today. But I think better of it and keep my mouth shut....other than laughing and some low-level "Laaaaaaaa"ing.
Finally, I can tell he's getting tired. And I tell him I'm just not feeling it. I'm going to have to practice this on my own or something to that effect. Anything to make him not feel like a bad instructor. The trouble's not in your set, it's in mine. I'm experiencing Technical Heavenly Difficulties. The trouble is not in your set. You can let me go now. Pleeeeeeeeease!!!!!!!!! For if he feels like it's his fault I'm not speaking in a Heavenly tongue, he'll never let me go! Must reassure him and shake my head to anything he says at this point. Just let me out of here!
He gives me a few parting comments - all very friendly - and tells me that in no way is he wanting me to feel like he's condemning me. And for my part, I don't take it that way at all, thankfully. He's really a nice man. I'm sorry to disappoint him. He reassures me this is not an issue of salvation, which thankfully again, I already know. If I didn't know this, I'd probably be buying myself a one-way ticket to Hell on Priceline.com as soon as I got home. For I've definitely received a grade of F minus in Tongue-Speaking 101 class today......
Postscript - He did finally let me go. I guess I wore him out.
posted by wwiiguy at 4:03 AM
4 Comments:
Siyfhud, fdhihe fjif! jfjdkfzdifd ;qeijvhie,qer12343,!!!
I write in tongues.
Peace,
T
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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