Little Lina
I was thinking about my Little Lina on my drive home from work tonight. Something on the radio got my mind on her, and for the first time in a long while I allowed myself to dwell on my little girl and how much I miss her and some of the things I really wish I could be doing with her right now and in the future.
I asked God why He didn’t save my little girl. I talked with Him about the things I wanted to do with her. I wanted to be holding her, gazing into her precious eyes. To give her a bath, to take a bath with her and play with her in the water. To watch her little face light up when Marshall would walk up to her and let her pet him. To see her eyes grow big as she felt the texture of the cats’ and dogs’ fur. To see her jump startledly when Jinengi would bark! I wanted to rock her to sleep, to feed her a bottle, to change her clothes. I wanted to show her off to my friends and family. I wanted to growl at her when she would get into mischief and watch her try and butter me up to turn my scowl into laughter at how cute she could be. I wanted to watch my “Little Linastelle” wrap me around her cute little finger.
I have to admit, no matter how precious she was, I can’t see myself ever “wanting” to change her nasty diapers, but I’d have done it because she was my little girl. God knows that when it came right down to it, as much as I didn’t want to live in Florida, I would’ve moved down there and spent the rest of my days in that horrid, humid state if that’s what it took to give my daughter a good home and relationship with both her Mama and Papa. I would’ve tried my best to get her mother to move up to Cincinnati where I thought Lina and her brother, sisters, and Mother would’ve had a better life away from all the crap I saw down there in Kissimmee. It broke my heart just to see her brother and sisters in that environment. I’ve told God He knows my intentions were good for Baby’s Mama and siblings. I’ve told Him and He knows I wouldn’t have deserted them up here if they’d have moved here—no matter how things turned out between her mother and me, I would have held her in honor both in my heart and to my daughter if for no other reason than the fact she was Lina’s Mama. And if it came right down to it, I would’ve moved to Florida and left all behind up here - including flying - if that’s what it would’ve taken to be with my little girl and raise her and let her know she had a Daddy who loved and cherished her. And I truly don’t believe there would’ve even been any hostility or animosity in my heart towards her Mother for it (well, maybe a little bit ~ I do despise the weather down there after all). I would’ve been too enamored with my little Lina Estelle and watching her grow up to be feeling sorry for myself or angry at having to live in a foreign place the rest of my days.
Oh God, I’d have loved her and cherished her! She was my little girl! I wanted to see her so much! I have often said to others or to myself, “I miss her,” as if she and I had actually been together at some point in time. I remember feeling and looking at her Mother’s tummy in wonder and awe that just a few inches from my hand was my little Moo-Moo, later to be named Lina Estelle, when I learned “he” was a little girl. I always knew she was a girl. And when I think of her, Oh, God, I have this picture of her, how much she looked like her Mama! Oh the little cutie! I asked God why He didn’t save her!
I don’t know why He didn’t save her. I know He could have. And yet, for once, I don’t think I’ve ever been mad at Him or blamed Him for my daughter’s death or my pain. I trust He had His perfect reasons for not intervening, though it cause me and others pain in the here and now. But how I do miss her! See, there I go again with that “miss her” stuff. She was the gift I had taken from me, and will have to wait a little longer to receive. I told Him that I hope in Heaven He allows us to raise our children, those of us who have lost them before they were supposed to go in this lifetime. I want so much to see her go from tiny, tiny newborn babe to little toddler, to Daddy’s Little Girl, to bratty teenager, to beautiful young woman, and so on. I hope He gives me this someday in the next life.
Well, there is so much more I have in my heart about my little girl. I do miss her and want to be with her. Thinking about her is sad, but in another way, moments like this when I allow myself to come close to my grief and touch it for a little while - these moments are special to me.
I thanked God as well for the change in my heart that He brought about as a result of Lina’s life and death. I don’t understand His reasons for allowing her to die, but I see how He’s used it to change me. My actions don’t always reveal it, but my heart has changed towards him. Even when my actions don’t support it, I know in my heart I want to be with God, to please Him, to know Him, to live my life with Him. My heart is more tender and allows more grace for myself and others because of what He’s done through Lina.
I reread what I’ve written and it appears I’ve repeated some of the same things over and over again. But it’s like no matter how many times I say I miss her or love her or want to be with her - no matter how many times I tell God how sad I am or how much I hurt over her — I can never say it enough to express how deep I feel those things in my heart. I MISS HER! I WANT HER! I LOVE HER! I WOULD’VE CHERISHED AND GIVEN MY LIFE FOR HER THE REST OF MY DAYS! MY DAUGHTER WOULD’VE BEEN A BLESSING TO HER MOTHER! SHE WOULD’VE SEEN ONE OF HER CHILDREN HAVE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH HER DADDY AND she would’ve known what it was like for once to experience one of her kids’ Daddies putting the children and the Mama ahead of his own selfish interests. I WOULD’VE BENT OVER BACKWARDS TO MAKE SURE LINA HAD HER MAMA AND HER BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN HER LIFE! Lina would’ve been a blessing to all around her. And instead of Lina being a child of grief for her Mother, this would’ve been one child she could actually spend time enjoying raising and watching grow up because she wouldn’t have to do it alone or be at odds with her Daddy. Lina would’ve been her child of Joy in ways that she wasn’t able to experience with the others. Lina would’ve been a blessing to her brother and sisters. She would’ve been ornery and spoiled (because of her Daddy), but they would’ve loved her anyway! She would be too cute for them to resist! And little Ni-Ni, one would think that as much as Lina would’ve had my eye, that I’d forget Ni-Ni. But no, I know in my heart, little Ni-Ni and Lina ~ they would be close and they’d each occupy a knee to sit on my lap as they grew up and vied for my attention! No matter how much I might love Lina as my daughter, the rest of that bunch, they would always know I loved them as well, in whatever capacity I was allowed to love them.
I know all these things sound corny, but I think this stuff must’ve been brewing inside me for a long time. These are things that I guess I’ve thought for a long time, and I’ve probably said all this to God and others at different times, but I just felt like saying it all again. He knows how much I loved her, as imperfect as I am and would be as her Daddy.
Well, it’s late and I know this isn’t a very eloquent ending to this memorial to my daughter, but I need to get off here and go to bed. I miss you soooo much, Linastelle!!! I love you and my heart cries and breaks over you. I will see you one day and hold you, my precious little child.
I asked God why He didn’t save my little girl. I talked with Him about the things I wanted to do with her. I wanted to be holding her, gazing into her precious eyes. To give her a bath, to take a bath with her and play with her in the water. To watch her little face light up when Marshall would walk up to her and let her pet him. To see her eyes grow big as she felt the texture of the cats’ and dogs’ fur. To see her jump startledly when Jinengi would bark! I wanted to rock her to sleep, to feed her a bottle, to change her clothes. I wanted to show her off to my friends and family. I wanted to growl at her when she would get into mischief and watch her try and butter me up to turn my scowl into laughter at how cute she could be. I wanted to watch my “Little Linastelle” wrap me around her cute little finger.
I have to admit, no matter how precious she was, I can’t see myself ever “wanting” to change her nasty diapers, but I’d have done it because she was my little girl. God knows that when it came right down to it, as much as I didn’t want to live in Florida, I would’ve moved down there and spent the rest of my days in that horrid, humid state if that’s what it took to give my daughter a good home and relationship with both her Mama and Papa. I would’ve tried my best to get her mother to move up to Cincinnati where I thought Lina and her brother, sisters, and Mother would’ve had a better life away from all the crap I saw down there in Kissimmee. It broke my heart just to see her brother and sisters in that environment. I’ve told God He knows my intentions were good for Baby’s Mama and siblings. I’ve told Him and He knows I wouldn’t have deserted them up here if they’d have moved here—no matter how things turned out between her mother and me, I would have held her in honor both in my heart and to my daughter if for no other reason than the fact she was Lina’s Mama. And if it came right down to it, I would’ve moved to Florida and left all behind up here - including flying - if that’s what it would’ve taken to be with my little girl and raise her and let her know she had a Daddy who loved and cherished her. And I truly don’t believe there would’ve even been any hostility or animosity in my heart towards her Mother for it (well, maybe a little bit ~ I do despise the weather down there after all). I would’ve been too enamored with my little Lina Estelle and watching her grow up to be feeling sorry for myself or angry at having to live in a foreign place the rest of my days.
Oh God, I’d have loved her and cherished her! She was my little girl! I wanted to see her so much! I have often said to others or to myself, “I miss her,” as if she and I had actually been together at some point in time. I remember feeling and looking at her Mother’s tummy in wonder and awe that just a few inches from my hand was my little Moo-Moo, later to be named Lina Estelle, when I learned “he” was a little girl. I always knew she was a girl. And when I think of her, Oh, God, I have this picture of her, how much she looked like her Mama! Oh the little cutie! I asked God why He didn’t save her!
I don’t know why He didn’t save her. I know He could have. And yet, for once, I don’t think I’ve ever been mad at Him or blamed Him for my daughter’s death or my pain. I trust He had His perfect reasons for not intervening, though it cause me and others pain in the here and now. But how I do miss her! See, there I go again with that “miss her” stuff. She was the gift I had taken from me, and will have to wait a little longer to receive. I told Him that I hope in Heaven He allows us to raise our children, those of us who have lost them before they were supposed to go in this lifetime. I want so much to see her go from tiny, tiny newborn babe to little toddler, to Daddy’s Little Girl, to bratty teenager, to beautiful young woman, and so on. I hope He gives me this someday in the next life.
Well, there is so much more I have in my heart about my little girl. I do miss her and want to be with her. Thinking about her is sad, but in another way, moments like this when I allow myself to come close to my grief and touch it for a little while - these moments are special to me.
I thanked God as well for the change in my heart that He brought about as a result of Lina’s life and death. I don’t understand His reasons for allowing her to die, but I see how He’s used it to change me. My actions don’t always reveal it, but my heart has changed towards him. Even when my actions don’t support it, I know in my heart I want to be with God, to please Him, to know Him, to live my life with Him. My heart is more tender and allows more grace for myself and others because of what He’s done through Lina.
I reread what I’ve written and it appears I’ve repeated some of the same things over and over again. But it’s like no matter how many times I say I miss her or love her or want to be with her - no matter how many times I tell God how sad I am or how much I hurt over her — I can never say it enough to express how deep I feel those things in my heart. I MISS HER! I WANT HER! I LOVE HER! I WOULD’VE CHERISHED AND GIVEN MY LIFE FOR HER THE REST OF MY DAYS! MY DAUGHTER WOULD’VE BEEN A BLESSING TO HER MOTHER! SHE WOULD’VE SEEN ONE OF HER CHILDREN HAVE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH HER DADDY AND she would’ve known what it was like for once to experience one of her kids’ Daddies putting the children and the Mama ahead of his own selfish interests. I WOULD’VE BENT OVER BACKWARDS TO MAKE SURE LINA HAD HER MAMA AND HER BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN HER LIFE! Lina would’ve been a blessing to all around her. And instead of Lina being a child of grief for her Mother, this would’ve been one child she could actually spend time enjoying raising and watching grow up because she wouldn’t have to do it alone or be at odds with her Daddy. Lina would’ve been her child of Joy in ways that she wasn’t able to experience with the others. Lina would’ve been a blessing to her brother and sisters. She would’ve been ornery and spoiled (because of her Daddy), but they would’ve loved her anyway! She would be too cute for them to resist! And little Ni-Ni, one would think that as much as Lina would’ve had my eye, that I’d forget Ni-Ni. But no, I know in my heart, little Ni-Ni and Lina ~ they would be close and they’d each occupy a knee to sit on my lap as they grew up and vied for my attention! No matter how much I might love Lina as my daughter, the rest of that bunch, they would always know I loved them as well, in whatever capacity I was allowed to love them.
I know all these things sound corny, but I think this stuff must’ve been brewing inside me for a long time. These are things that I guess I’ve thought for a long time, and I’ve probably said all this to God and others at different times, but I just felt like saying it all again. He knows how much I loved her, as imperfect as I am and would be as her Daddy.
Well, it’s late and I know this isn’t a very eloquent ending to this memorial to my daughter, but I need to get off here and go to bed. I miss you soooo much, Linastelle!!! I love you and my heart cries and breaks over you. I will see you one day and hold you, my precious little child.
posted by wwiiguy at 1:00 AM
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