Vacation's Over

....If you can call it that. I spent this last week pretty much doing things, trying not to feel the pain. Here I took this week off work to deal with my baby's death, and I hardly spent any time at all thinking about her. I hope you will forgive me, Perlina. I love you inspite of some of the sick ways I have of dealing with this pain. With God's help and rescue, I'm going to live up to be the father I wanted you to have. Oh, Lina, I cry just thinking of you! Why couldn't I be with you in this life?? I wanted you!! I'm so sorry I didn't come to Florida to be with your mother and you. I know that if I would have, you would still be alive today and we would only be a few more months from being together.

Little Lina, I am going to miss you till the day I die. And when my time does come, I know there will be some part of me that will be excited about the moment's arrival because only through death will I be with you. And I wonder if you have met Pom Pom yet, your great-grandmother. I don't know all the details of how God works these things out, but if you are already alive and well with Him, then I'm sure you've seen what a wonderful, funny, and Godly woman she is. She was a blessing to me here on earth while I had her. I was the oldest of her grandchildren, so there was a special closeness between us. Anyway, I am glad you two are together, I only wish I could be there with you.

Lina, I'm sorry I didn't do the things that would've helped your Mother get through this pregnancy. It's so easy to look back and say "if only I would've done this...." or "if only I would've done that..." And I feel guilt over these things. Our Father has forgiven your Mommy and me for our mistakes. I hope you will too. As much as I love you and wanted to be with you, God knows you have a very imperfect, messed up Daddy.

Oh Lina, I love you so much. I don't know how I am going to get through this life without you. Even with all the drama surrounding your birth, I was so excited to have you my firstborn child. I was willing to work at a quickie-mart the rest of my days and to give up flying if that's what it would take to raise you and give you my love. I was going to be so proud of you, to show you off to family, friends, and strangers alike. I'm sure they would've gotten sick of hearing about you by the time I was done tooting your horn :)

Well, Lina, I'm going to go for now. I sure miss you and love you lots! I cannot wait to see you again. I say "again" because I was so excited about your arrival that in my mind, it's almost as if it happened at times. I have in my mind what you even look like. Oh God, help me! I miss you Baby....

Latent Sadness

This grief seems to pick its own times and places to show its head. I go to counseling and as I show Joanie the paperwork from the abortion and talk to her about it, I find myself getting sadder. I go to the cemetary later and sit by Pom Pom's grave and talk to her and God about little baby and I have a hard time feeling anything....nary a tear falls from my eyes. It chooses when it wants to show up like I don't have a say in the matter. I have taken this week off from work and I wonder how it is helping me to deal with things. Part of me thinks that to deal with things I should be crying and weeping and asking God, "Why, why, why?" every second of every day of this week off. But I am hoping that even if I can't openly let as much of this grief out as I'd like, just the relaxing, watching movies, journalling, sitting outside, doing nothing unless I want to - I'm hoping all these things are part of the process of grieving for my daughter. Of course I have also been dealing with this in some destructive ways, and I talked to Joanie about this and how I'm desperate to make good changes in my life from this experience. I want this moment in my life to be a watershed - is that the correct word for a new beginning? Not just any beginning, but a radical new beginning in the course my life takes.

I miss my little daughter, even just checking in with Gladys to see how she and the baby are doing. Why did she take our child's life?? Why? I wanted her so badly....Ha, I just looked up "watershed" in the dictionary. I was right, it was the word I was looking for, not to mention its a beautiful sounding word, I think.

I was talking to Joanie about her and she said that it's impossible at that early age in the pregnancy to know what sex the baby is. What if when I finally meet her, I found out little Perlina Estelle is a boy?? Well then, I guess little Lina will be little Warrior Malachi. That was going to be its name if it was a boy - "Warrior Malachi". And I was going to catch all kinds of grief for it. One of these days, I'll know these things.....

Oh God, my Father and Jesus, I am sad for not being able to have my daughter. I wanted her, and still want her so much. If there was a way, in my heart I still think crazy ideas like what if the abortion was just a big hoax on Gladys' part so she could keep our child without me in the picture?? Oh God, I know it's not true, but I just hold out hope in some small corner of me. But I know she is dead and with You now, I miss her so. Oh Father, hold me and those hurting from her death. Hold me, Jesus, I need You so much now!! Help me, hold me!! I need you! Be close to me, protect me from myself and Satan and this world. I am so close to doing things wrong, I need You! Lord, help me deal with the grief and sadness inside me.....in Jesus' name I'm asking You, amen.

Attempting to Deal With the Grief

I just don't know where to start. God help me. Maybe that is a good starting place. God help Gladys and her other kids. I just got paperwork from her last Friday in the mail. I had been waiting ever since mid-February to get proof that she did what she said she did - kill my only child, my precious little daughter that I never will get to see or hold or talk to in this lifetime. Precious little Perlina Estelle....conceived on October 8th, 2005....her precious life ended on February 14th, 2006.

Perlina Estelle Phillips was going to be her name, still is her name in my heart. Even though the circumstances of her conception and coming into this world were going to be much less than desirable thanks to her Mommy and Daddy, I longed for the day when I would hold her and look into her eyes and tell her I was her Daddy and that I loved her very much. We were going to name her in honor of my grandmother, Loretta Perlina Blakley - I only knew her as "Pom Pom" - and Gladys with her middle name Estelle. I thought and still think her middle name is beautiful even after the devastating blow she has dealt me out of her own pain and woundedness. I had no plans on actually calling her Perlina though. She was going to be "My Little Lina". Only when she was in trouble and I was going to lamely attempt to put the fear of her Father in her, would I use her full name....as in "Get your little behind in here right this second Perlina Estelle!!" And then I'm sure when she came running, all she'd have to do is look at me and it would melt away whatever wrath I had stored up for her. She was going to be spoiled rotten, Daddy's Little Girl for sure.

I have pictures in my mind of what she was going to look like, amazing. Oh I wanted her so badly! God, Father, Jesus, I wanted my little daughter! Why didn't I do things differently in a way that might've saved my little girl's life?? Oh God, Father, I loved her even though you know how selfish and stubborn and weak I am. Father, I want my little girl. Even if you give me other children, you know the hole that will be in my heart and soul until I am finally able to be with her....

I pulled the envelope which had what I dreaded out of the mailbox Friday afternoon before leaving for work. I purposely did not open it right then so that I could make it through one more day of work and give my boss a short notice so that he could work out arrangements to replace me for this week. I knew that by opening it, my baby's death would become real to me, and who knew how I would cope with it. Well, I ended up flying through weather and a workday flight that should've ended at around 9pm instead went on until 3:30 in the morning. I caught myself once on the flight back from St Louis to Cincy zoning out. A part of me wishes I wouldn't have reawakened, and instead of writing this right now, I'd be laughing and carrying on with Pom Pom and we'd probably be watching little Lina together. Anyway, I did make it back home safely, and I was surprised when I got home and picked up the envelope which held my little daughter in it....the fear and trembling which seized me.

I stood at the bottom of the basement steps shaking and afraid to open up this bringer of death to my daughter. I tremble and cry now even as I write this. Tears well up in my eyes, my noses sniffles, my mind and heart absolutely ache. And then I become numb to it all, like a wave passing over me, overwhelming me, and then gone....

I made it up the stairs and into the family room where I knelt in front of the footstool and prayed and asked God for help. Not a very sacred-seeming place to open up what was my daughter's death cry to me. But I wanted privacy for this moment and to be alone with God and my thoughts of her. I opened it, and there in my hands was confirmation that my daughter was dead.....my precious little Lina, Perlina Estelle.

Oh my God, please help me through this. And help those besides myself who are dealing with grief, guilt and other painful feelings from my daughter's death. Father, I pray for those whose names and faces it hurts me to consciously think about, I still pray that you give them the grace and mercy they need as I ask it for myself....in Jesus' name I'm coming to you pleading for the blood of Jesus on our sins and for the mercy and compassion that you are so full of will cover us today and this moment. Amen.