Attempting to Deal With the Grief
I just don't know where to start. God help me. Maybe that is a good starting place. God help Gladys and her other kids. I just got paperwork from her last Friday in the mail. I had been waiting ever since mid-February to get proof that she did what she said she did - kill my only child, my precious little daughter that I never will get to see or hold or talk to in this lifetime. Precious little Perlina Estelle....conceived on October 8th, 2005....her precious life ended on February 14th, 2006.
Perlina Estelle Phillips was going to be her name, still is her name in my heart. Even though the circumstances of her conception and coming into this world were going to be much less than desirable thanks to her Mommy and Daddy, I longed for the day when I would hold her and look into her eyes and tell her I was her Daddy and that I loved her very much. We were going to name her in honor of my grandmother, Loretta Perlina Blakley - I only knew her as "Pom Pom" - and Gladys with her middle name Estelle. I thought and still think her middle name is beautiful even after the devastating blow she has dealt me out of her own pain and woundedness. I had no plans on actually calling her Perlina though. She was going to be "My Little Lina". Only when she was in trouble and I was going to lamely attempt to put the fear of her Father in her, would I use her full name....as in "Get your little behind in here right this second Perlina Estelle!!" And then I'm sure when she came running, all she'd have to do is look at me and it would melt away whatever wrath I had stored up for her. She was going to be spoiled rotten, Daddy's Little Girl for sure.
I have pictures in my mind of what she was going to look like, amazing. Oh I wanted her so badly! God, Father, Jesus, I wanted my little daughter! Why didn't I do things differently in a way that might've saved my little girl's life?? Oh God, Father, I loved her even though you know how selfish and stubborn and weak I am. Father, I want my little girl. Even if you give me other children, you know the hole that will be in my heart and soul until I am finally able to be with her....
I pulled the envelope which had what I dreaded out of the mailbox Friday afternoon before leaving for work. I purposely did not open it right then so that I could make it through one more day of work and give my boss a short notice so that he could work out arrangements to replace me for this week. I knew that by opening it, my baby's death would become real to me, and who knew how I would cope with it. Well, I ended up flying through weather and a workday flight that should've ended at around 9pm instead went on until 3:30 in the morning. I caught myself once on the flight back from St Louis to Cincy zoning out. A part of me wishes I wouldn't have reawakened, and instead of writing this right now, I'd be laughing and carrying on with Pom Pom and we'd probably be watching little Lina together. Anyway, I did make it back home safely, and I was surprised when I got home and picked up the envelope which held my little daughter in it....the fear and trembling which seized me.
I stood at the bottom of the basement steps shaking and afraid to open up this bringer of death to my daughter. I tremble and cry now even as I write this. Tears well up in my eyes, my noses sniffles, my mind and heart absolutely ache. And then I become numb to it all, like a wave passing over me, overwhelming me, and then gone....
I made it up the stairs and into the family room where I knelt in front of the footstool and prayed and asked God for help. Not a very sacred-seeming place to open up what was my daughter's death cry to me. But I wanted privacy for this moment and to be alone with God and my thoughts of her. I opened it, and there in my hands was confirmation that my daughter was dead.....my precious little Lina, Perlina Estelle.
Oh my God, please help me through this. And help those besides myself who are dealing with grief, guilt and other painful feelings from my daughter's death. Father, I pray for those whose names and faces it hurts me to consciously think about, I still pray that you give them the grace and mercy they need as I ask it for myself....in Jesus' name I'm coming to you pleading for the blood of Jesus on our sins and for the mercy and compassion that you are so full of will cover us today and this moment. Amen.
Perlina Estelle Phillips was going to be her name, still is her name in my heart. Even though the circumstances of her conception and coming into this world were going to be much less than desirable thanks to her Mommy and Daddy, I longed for the day when I would hold her and look into her eyes and tell her I was her Daddy and that I loved her very much. We were going to name her in honor of my grandmother, Loretta Perlina Blakley - I only knew her as "Pom Pom" - and Gladys with her middle name Estelle. I thought and still think her middle name is beautiful even after the devastating blow she has dealt me out of her own pain and woundedness. I had no plans on actually calling her Perlina though. She was going to be "My Little Lina". Only when she was in trouble and I was going to lamely attempt to put the fear of her Father in her, would I use her full name....as in "Get your little behind in here right this second Perlina Estelle!!" And then I'm sure when she came running, all she'd have to do is look at me and it would melt away whatever wrath I had stored up for her. She was going to be spoiled rotten, Daddy's Little Girl for sure.
I have pictures in my mind of what she was going to look like, amazing. Oh I wanted her so badly! God, Father, Jesus, I wanted my little daughter! Why didn't I do things differently in a way that might've saved my little girl's life?? Oh God, Father, I loved her even though you know how selfish and stubborn and weak I am. Father, I want my little girl. Even if you give me other children, you know the hole that will be in my heart and soul until I am finally able to be with her....
I pulled the envelope which had what I dreaded out of the mailbox Friday afternoon before leaving for work. I purposely did not open it right then so that I could make it through one more day of work and give my boss a short notice so that he could work out arrangements to replace me for this week. I knew that by opening it, my baby's death would become real to me, and who knew how I would cope with it. Well, I ended up flying through weather and a workday flight that should've ended at around 9pm instead went on until 3:30 in the morning. I caught myself once on the flight back from St Louis to Cincy zoning out. A part of me wishes I wouldn't have reawakened, and instead of writing this right now, I'd be laughing and carrying on with Pom Pom and we'd probably be watching little Lina together. Anyway, I did make it back home safely, and I was surprised when I got home and picked up the envelope which held my little daughter in it....the fear and trembling which seized me.
I stood at the bottom of the basement steps shaking and afraid to open up this bringer of death to my daughter. I tremble and cry now even as I write this. Tears well up in my eyes, my noses sniffles, my mind and heart absolutely ache. And then I become numb to it all, like a wave passing over me, overwhelming me, and then gone....
I made it up the stairs and into the family room where I knelt in front of the footstool and prayed and asked God for help. Not a very sacred-seeming place to open up what was my daughter's death cry to me. But I wanted privacy for this moment and to be alone with God and my thoughts of her. I opened it, and there in my hands was confirmation that my daughter was dead.....my precious little Lina, Perlina Estelle.
Oh my God, please help me through this. And help those besides myself who are dealing with grief, guilt and other painful feelings from my daughter's death. Father, I pray for those whose names and faces it hurts me to consciously think about, I still pray that you give them the grace and mercy they need as I ask it for myself....in Jesus' name I'm coming to you pleading for the blood of Jesus on our sins and for the mercy and compassion that you are so full of will cover us today and this moment. Amen.
posted by wwiiguy at 12:00 PM
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