Memorial Day and a Peek into my Brain.....Ugh
Memorial Day weekend. Supposed to go up to Lori’s family’s cookout this afternoon. Meanwhile, I’m in my comfy Pillsbury Doughboy pants and a sweatshirt and somewhere in the recesses of my mind, little imps are trying to conjure up some sort of rationale for not going up so I can just stay here and relax the afternoon away. I can’t see them, but I can feel them feverishly working up there in the caverns of my brain.
Well, I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few weeks. Lots of internal struggles going on, but like so often happens, when I don’t get the thoughts on paper quick enough, it’s almost as if they calcify in my mind. There was some pretty nasty junk going on, so I’d say I really need to work at chipping that crap away. Sort of a mind enema. Nice visual there.
I know I’ve been struggling with this chick from work — the infamous Brandi — my job situation and concerns relating to that, my financial situation, my social life or lack thereof, family tensions just from living in such close quarters with them, wanting to get out on my own again. Those would be the big ones that I can think of. Oh, and of course, in a grander view, my relationship and struggles with God, my Father take all those in and more.
I’m just coming out of a 2 or 3 week tailspin in which I was running from God and his direction. I think I’m back on the path with Him, but I can never be too sure it seems. I hit one of those crossroads a couple weeks ago that I seem to come to every year or two. It goes like this:
“Hey, I’ve been being good and trying to trust God with my life, and I’m getting nothing from Him to show for it. I’m trusting Him with my relationships, finances, job situation, all this, and look where I am. I don’t see any changes. My life is still in the crapper. I’m poor, struggling to eke out a living, I’m single without a hope of a relationship anytime soon. In fact, the one girl I did have my eyes on has turned out to be a bust. I’m living in my parents’ basement, I go to recovery groups, in fact, my best friends sometimes seem to be those guys in those groups. What’s up with that??? Well, I’ve given God His chance to come through for me, and once again, I’m seeing nothing from His end. All that talk about giving me the desires of my heart and an abundant life—well, I’m not seeing it. I can only live off the fumes and invisible platitudes of peace and joy and contentment and patience for so long. Eventually, I want a decent job, income, a woman, sex, a family and kids. I’m not seeing any of that—not even off in the distant horizon! So, I’ve given you your chance once again God. Now, it’s my turn to take control. If you aren’t going to come through, at least if I do it my way, I can get a little of the life I’d like to someday have. I’m outta here!”
Something like that. I’ve been in this place many times before. This time though, even though I wanted to turn my back on Him and get while the gettins’ good, I just don’t think I can. I know the rewards for disobedience to Him. I’ll have some fun, but a lot of guilt and shame and heartache. I will kick myself for doing wrong. I’ll waste another year or two of the precious life I have. As much as I dread God not coming through for me, I don’t want to pay the price of disobedience to Him again. So, I’m trying to choose Him and not look back or second guess myself. Put those flesh-inspired thoughts out on the curb of my mind for the trash to pick up later.
Wow, there’s a lot going on in my mind right now. Little imps, caverns, calcification, enemas, and now scheduled trash pick-up. No wonder I feel overwhelmed at times. It’s a wonder my neck can hold my head up it’s so heavy at times. Well, if you look at photos of me, my head is usually leaning to one side. Must be an imbalance in my brain. Maybe a beer would even things out up there. Boy, that sounds good right now.
Well, I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few weeks. Lots of internal struggles going on, but like so often happens, when I don’t get the thoughts on paper quick enough, it’s almost as if they calcify in my mind. There was some pretty nasty junk going on, so I’d say I really need to work at chipping that crap away. Sort of a mind enema. Nice visual there.
I know I’ve been struggling with this chick from work — the infamous Brandi — my job situation and concerns relating to that, my financial situation, my social life or lack thereof, family tensions just from living in such close quarters with them, wanting to get out on my own again. Those would be the big ones that I can think of. Oh, and of course, in a grander view, my relationship and struggles with God, my Father take all those in and more.
I’m just coming out of a 2 or 3 week tailspin in which I was running from God and his direction. I think I’m back on the path with Him, but I can never be too sure it seems. I hit one of those crossroads a couple weeks ago that I seem to come to every year or two. It goes like this:
“Hey, I’ve been being good and trying to trust God with my life, and I’m getting nothing from Him to show for it. I’m trusting Him with my relationships, finances, job situation, all this, and look where I am. I don’t see any changes. My life is still in the crapper. I’m poor, struggling to eke out a living, I’m single without a hope of a relationship anytime soon. In fact, the one girl I did have my eyes on has turned out to be a bust. I’m living in my parents’ basement, I go to recovery groups, in fact, my best friends sometimes seem to be those guys in those groups. What’s up with that??? Well, I’ve given God His chance to come through for me, and once again, I’m seeing nothing from His end. All that talk about giving me the desires of my heart and an abundant life—well, I’m not seeing it. I can only live off the fumes and invisible platitudes of peace and joy and contentment and patience for so long. Eventually, I want a decent job, income, a woman, sex, a family and kids. I’m not seeing any of that—not even off in the distant horizon! So, I’ve given you your chance once again God. Now, it’s my turn to take control. If you aren’t going to come through, at least if I do it my way, I can get a little of the life I’d like to someday have. I’m outta here!”
Something like that. I’ve been in this place many times before. This time though, even though I wanted to turn my back on Him and get while the gettins’ good, I just don’t think I can. I know the rewards for disobedience to Him. I’ll have some fun, but a lot of guilt and shame and heartache. I will kick myself for doing wrong. I’ll waste another year or two of the precious life I have. As much as I dread God not coming through for me, I don’t want to pay the price of disobedience to Him again. So, I’m trying to choose Him and not look back or second guess myself. Put those flesh-inspired thoughts out on the curb of my mind for the trash to pick up later.
Wow, there’s a lot going on in my mind right now. Little imps, caverns, calcification, enemas, and now scheduled trash pick-up. No wonder I feel overwhelmed at times. It’s a wonder my neck can hold my head up it’s so heavy at times. Well, if you look at photos of me, my head is usually leaning to one side. Must be an imbalance in my brain. Maybe a beer would even things out up there. Boy, that sounds good right now.
posted by wwiiguy at 3:26 PM
1 Comments:
Dr. Shadoolittle,
I had no idea what an Imp was so I had to look it up. They can be devils or fairies (the non-gay ones). I'm hopeful that these non-gay fairy Imps will start whispering life and goodness. In addition remind you of the blessings in your life. I can list many Shannon characteristics and qualities that are not so ignoble.
Peace,
Tabitha
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