Break-up
I just broke up Gladys and me this week. It hurts so much! According to my way of thinking, I thought the axer was supposed to hurt less than the axee, but apparently I'm mistaken. I feel like I just dumped both of us. I know this summer I had my suspicions that this whole thing with Gladys was just a fling, a bump in the road. Well, since I left Florida, I discovered that my feelings for her were much deeper than that. I'm crazy about her and I love her. I told her that I needed time to answer some questions in my mind and then that would give us our answer about whether there would be an "us" or not. I had to answer these questions:
1. Could I accept starting a relationship off with five kids (whom I love and adore) and accept the very real possibility that even though they would call me "Dad", at some point in time their biological dads might want to have some sort of presence in their lives again? Could I accept sharing the title of "Dad" with someone who had already deserted them once? Could I accept the possibility that if something ever happened to Gladys, I would have no real, tangible rights to those little monsters?
2. Could I live with the possibility that I may not ever have the chance to experience what it's like to have some kids that actually come from me? And if I never had that chance, could I accept that it would be a pain that I could not share with my wife because she has experienced having six kids of her own already?
3. Could I accept that there would be certain things that Gladys and I would never be able to experience together? Having a first child, sharing the first couple years of marriage together without the immediate responsibilities of raising a family, for example.
4. Related to the previous question, could I accept that there are some things she has experienced with other men, that she would not be able to experience with me? Could I handle my extreme jealousy related to her ex's?
I knew after a few weeks of being away from Florida, my head would clear and I could find the answers I was seeking. I could find the answers to be yes, no, or still can't make up my mind (that seems to be a favorite option for me :( And if indeed I found my answer to any of these questions to be that I was still undecided, that in effect would be the same as a no.
Well, we are both a few weeks removed from the turbulence of this summer romance and I find my answers to be that I honestly don't know if I could accept those things in my marriage. So, I had to end things. It would only be foolish and painful and inconsiderate to prolong the waiting. What I didn't expect was just how strong my feelings for her are. Even though I ended things between us, I really love her! And that fact makes it so much the worse to know that I am responsible for breaking us up! I am so angry and frustrated!
I know this is going to sound sappy and stupid to some, but with Gladys, it was like God gave me a sneak-peek into His Laboratory and let me see the person He is creating her to be one day. I know she and I had some very stormy and horrible events this summer, but in her I see someone beautiful. It's so hard to describe what I see in her. And I know it's not the whole "stars in my eyes" syndrome, because this summer we had some things happen that completely blew that whole fantasy away. I don't even think she sees in herself what I see in her. I honestly thought that when I left Florida, I'd think to myself, "Oh well, it was fun, but it was just a Florida thing. My little Florida fling." 'Twas not to be though......
I've never felt this way about someone before. I can't describe it. All I have in my mind are pictures of how I'm feeling. It's soooo weird. Before her, I could say that I'd experienced what it was like to love someone. But with her, I have felt what it's like to be IN LOVE with someone. Here I am experiencing it for the first time and I'm squashing it like a bug! I can't believe this!
Even though I'm hurting like crazy right now, I've been trying to learn to be more thankful instead of complaining. So in honor of that goal, I want to take just a little more time and right about some of the good things that happened because my Beh-Beh's and my paths crossed.
I think the best result of our lives touching was that my heart towards God changed. Before, I was a reluctant christian. I was one, but didn't want to be one. Because of the traumatic and frightful events she and I went through together this summer, my heart was turned to God. I now want to be His child. I want to follow Him. I am not a fence-sitter anymore. I still have my flesh, but I know in my heart that I want to be faithful to Him. I don't want to be immoral or have casual relationships or any of that other garbage this world says is the good stuff. I want to follow Him and not be afraid to say I'm His follower. I can't change my past, but I want to be a virgin in spirit if and when I have another relationship and remarry. I don't want to see how close to the edge I can walk between right and wrong. I want to be 100% His child.
Again, I know it sounds corny, but in getting to know her, I truly feel like God gave me a special not-given-to-others peek at who He is making her into. I think that in this life, only rarely do we have the opportunity to see a person beyond the surface and even deeper than that person's own hopes and dreams. I mean, I think I was given the chance to see her in a way that even she hasn't been blessed to see yet. I hope someday she will open her heart and eyes to see herself as God sees her. She really has no clue what's in store for her if she will give herself completely to her Father and Jesus Christ. I pray that she does in the future.
I made a friend. I know that sounds almost patronizing to call someone a friend after you've just broke up with them. "Oh, I just dumped you, but we can still be friends!" Who wants to hear that??? But after what she and I have been through together, it would be a shame if we each didn't gain a close friend as a result. She is my friend, and that means a lot to me.
I was able to get to know a few of the people in her family and her neighborhood. I had some interesting experiences being a white boy, aka "cracker" dating a "woman of color" in the hood! I'm a better person for the experience. I have a better appreciation of that culture. You know, us white suburban boys don't always get to see and experience what I've been able to with her.
Despite the romantic part of our relationship ending the way it has, I can at least say that I've experienced what it is like to be in love with someone. I hope she and I are blessed to experience it again in the future, but next time with a happy ending for each of us.
Well, I won't bore you all with anymore mush. And sorry for the long absence from my blog. Until I get stationed up in Cincy for my job though, I have very limited access to the internet and even less privacy. Okay, well, I've said quite enough for one entry. Good night all :)
1. Could I accept starting a relationship off with five kids (whom I love and adore) and accept the very real possibility that even though they would call me "Dad", at some point in time their biological dads might want to have some sort of presence in their lives again? Could I accept sharing the title of "Dad" with someone who had already deserted them once? Could I accept the possibility that if something ever happened to Gladys, I would have no real, tangible rights to those little monsters?
2. Could I live with the possibility that I may not ever have the chance to experience what it's like to have some kids that actually come from me? And if I never had that chance, could I accept that it would be a pain that I could not share with my wife because she has experienced having six kids of her own already?
3. Could I accept that there would be certain things that Gladys and I would never be able to experience together? Having a first child, sharing the first couple years of marriage together without the immediate responsibilities of raising a family, for example.
4. Related to the previous question, could I accept that there are some things she has experienced with other men, that she would not be able to experience with me? Could I handle my extreme jealousy related to her ex's?
I knew after a few weeks of being away from Florida, my head would clear and I could find the answers I was seeking. I could find the answers to be yes, no, or still can't make up my mind (that seems to be a favorite option for me :( And if indeed I found my answer to any of these questions to be that I was still undecided, that in effect would be the same as a no.
Well, we are both a few weeks removed from the turbulence of this summer romance and I find my answers to be that I honestly don't know if I could accept those things in my marriage. So, I had to end things. It would only be foolish and painful and inconsiderate to prolong the waiting. What I didn't expect was just how strong my feelings for her are. Even though I ended things between us, I really love her! And that fact makes it so much the worse to know that I am responsible for breaking us up! I am so angry and frustrated!
I know this is going to sound sappy and stupid to some, but with Gladys, it was like God gave me a sneak-peek into His Laboratory and let me see the person He is creating her to be one day. I know she and I had some very stormy and horrible events this summer, but in her I see someone beautiful. It's so hard to describe what I see in her. And I know it's not the whole "stars in my eyes" syndrome, because this summer we had some things happen that completely blew that whole fantasy away. I don't even think she sees in herself what I see in her. I honestly thought that when I left Florida, I'd think to myself, "Oh well, it was fun, but it was just a Florida thing. My little Florida fling." 'Twas not to be though......
I've never felt this way about someone before. I can't describe it. All I have in my mind are pictures of how I'm feeling. It's soooo weird. Before her, I could say that I'd experienced what it was like to love someone. But with her, I have felt what it's like to be IN LOVE with someone. Here I am experiencing it for the first time and I'm squashing it like a bug! I can't believe this!
Even though I'm hurting like crazy right now, I've been trying to learn to be more thankful instead of complaining. So in honor of that goal, I want to take just a little more time and right about some of the good things that happened because my Beh-Beh's and my paths crossed.
I think the best result of our lives touching was that my heart towards God changed. Before, I was a reluctant christian. I was one, but didn't want to be one. Because of the traumatic and frightful events she and I went through together this summer, my heart was turned to God. I now want to be His child. I want to follow Him. I am not a fence-sitter anymore. I still have my flesh, but I know in my heart that I want to be faithful to Him. I don't want to be immoral or have casual relationships or any of that other garbage this world says is the good stuff. I want to follow Him and not be afraid to say I'm His follower. I can't change my past, but I want to be a virgin in spirit if and when I have another relationship and remarry. I don't want to see how close to the edge I can walk between right and wrong. I want to be 100% His child.
Again, I know it sounds corny, but in getting to know her, I truly feel like God gave me a special not-given-to-others peek at who He is making her into. I think that in this life, only rarely do we have the opportunity to see a person beyond the surface and even deeper than that person's own hopes and dreams. I mean, I think I was given the chance to see her in a way that even she hasn't been blessed to see yet. I hope someday she will open her heart and eyes to see herself as God sees her. She really has no clue what's in store for her if she will give herself completely to her Father and Jesus Christ. I pray that she does in the future.
I made a friend. I know that sounds almost patronizing to call someone a friend after you've just broke up with them. "Oh, I just dumped you, but we can still be friends!" Who wants to hear that??? But after what she and I have been through together, it would be a shame if we each didn't gain a close friend as a result. She is my friend, and that means a lot to me.
I was able to get to know a few of the people in her family and her neighborhood. I had some interesting experiences being a white boy, aka "cracker" dating a "woman of color" in the hood! I'm a better person for the experience. I have a better appreciation of that culture. You know, us white suburban boys don't always get to see and experience what I've been able to with her.
Despite the romantic part of our relationship ending the way it has, I can at least say that I've experienced what it is like to be in love with someone. I hope she and I are blessed to experience it again in the future, but next time with a happy ending for each of us.
Well, I won't bore you all with anymore mush. And sorry for the long absence from my blog. Until I get stationed up in Cincy for my job though, I have very limited access to the internet and even less privacy. Okay, well, I've said quite enough for one entry. Good night all :)
posted by wwiiguy at 12:30 AM
3 comments
