Ouch!!

So, as some of you know, I recently went through a sort of nasty experience with the woman I was seeing down here. I have basically had some of my friends tell me I was a sucker. Okay, so I was—I admit it. And maybe I still am. But I had it coming. In fact, I all but asked for it with God. Boy, did I learn some things. Boy, did I change from all of it. And boy, do I still have things to learn. That last one is the sort of scary part of all this.

Yes, I have had many of you tell me I am a nice guy. And I’ve had some of you tell me I’m naïve. Well, the nice guy part is true—I am seeing that I take it to a very unhealthy extreme sometimes. Ouch, it hurts to admit that openly. One of you told me that you are really pissed over what happened to me. I am glad that I have friends like you who stick up for me when I am being too dumb to do it myself. As for the naïve thing—you should not be deceived. There was a day and age when I was naïve. But that doesn’t hold true anymore. I am more clued in oftentimes than I let on. Inside, I knew what I was getting myself into. It was like this whole relationship thing that I’ve just been through—that was merely a façade covering the real battle that was raging behind the scenes. God knows that this latest sad chapter in my life was really an outpouring of my anger and distrust towards Him. I know this is going to sound really stupid, but it was my attempt to get God to notice me, and to get me back with Him where I belong. I knew in the deepest part of me that I was only going to get right with God the hard way. I have been waiting for years for it to happen. I think a part of me just decided that if I had bad medicine coming, I might as well get it over with now so that I’ve got the rest of my life to enjoy and live with Him as opposed to living it at odds with Him. Anyway, I may still have some curveballs coming my way from the fallout of this relationship, but whatever happens, God will give me what I need to deal with things.

Well, that wasn’t what I meant to write in this blog entry. What I intended to write was a list of things I’d rather have happen to me than having to go through the pain of breaking up with someone, even when you know it’s for the best. So, here are a few I can think of:

Things I’d rather go through than a breakup:

1. Bloody my knuckles punching a wall, a tree, a fender. Shoot, if I had good insurance, I might even go so far as to say I’d rather break a knuckle and have to go to the emergency room.

2. I’d rather be the axee than the axer, for sure. It must be that masochistic nice guy in me.

3. Receive several unpleasant voicemail messages that have to do with work. Yuck, I cringe at the thought of this one, but still it’d be preferable.

4. Accidentally cut myself with a knife. At least then I might get a cool scar that I can brag about later.

5. Be unexpectedly hit over the head with a beer bottle. That would be kind of funny. And it would make for a great story later if I remembered it.

6. Be told by my sister that I’m going to owe $1200 in federal and state taxes.

7. Watch a stupid romance movie.

8. Read one of those awful romance novels.

9. Eat a large plate of crawfish and lima beans in one sitting or a bucketful over the course of several days.

10. Keep driving this Chevy Aveo—which is the ugliest, most humiliating car I’ve ever had to drive—for a whole year and pick up dates in it.

11. Burn myself playing with fire. Once again, at least I might get a cool scar and story to tell out of the deal.

12. Touch my tongue to a low-voltage electric fence.

13. Pee on a low voltage electric fence.

14. Have to clean an old side-of-the-road gas station bathroom.

15. Listen to one of my Dad’s lectures or Bible Studies from when I was a kid.

16. Jam my thumb.

17. Get one of those purple things….come on, you know what I’m talking about—those nasty little blood blisters when you pinch your skin really bad.

18. Bite the side of my jaw really hard.

19. Go to 10 of those little socializing parties where you don’t know anyone but the person who invited you and they are busy being host/hostess, so you have to mill around making small talk with strangers and pretend you don’t feel like a big loser for not knowing anybody.

20. Give up hard liquor for a year.

21. Give up beer for 8 months.

22. Give up chili for 6 months.

23. Give up hot sauce and finely shredded cheese for 4 months. Behold the power of cheese!

24. Give up food entirely for…….a week. And if there were bonus prizes for going longer I’d probably give it a shot.

25. Give blood.

26. Get a shot.

27. Watch someone else getting a body part pierced. If I passed out would it still count?

28. Make myself work through this stupid Yoga book I bought a couple months ago to help me deal with my anger and high-strung personality.

29. Journal or blog everyday for a year.

30. Eat food off the floor—okay, I tried to sneak one by that I’d do anyway.


Okay, now here are a few things that I’d rather not do instead of go through a breakup:

1. Live away from Cincinnati for another year.
2. Go through my teenage years again, not knowing what I know now.
3. Never be in a relationship again.
4. Give up flying.
5. Get a body part pierced.
6. Work at this job for another 6 months.
7. Smash my toe really bad.
8. Eat a bucket of worms or cockroaches.
9. Work at a phone call center job.
10. Hurt someone else even worse because I didn’t have the guts to breakup.
11. Never get to go camping or backpacking again.
12. Never get to read about World War II again.
13. Have my eyebrows plucked clean……eeew, that just really really grosses me out!

Well now, I don’t know what these two lists say about me, but there they are. A sort of personal ranking system to see just where breaking up lies on my list of unpleasant experiences in life. Well, all except for the eating food off the floor. That one is actually good for you because you gain extra protein and minerals from it having been on the floor.

A Changed Man

I know that title sounds pretty drastic. And believe me, I have been firsthand witness to so many countless times when I either thought I was truly changed or I just wanted to see it happen so I imagined it was true. So even when I read it there is a twinge of skepticism in my own mind. Ha, imagine that, me being a skeptic! Ah, but we’ll save that issue for another day and time. Back to the subject at hand.

I am a changed man. I would sort of like to share the gory details of how it happened in this blog, but as much I do try to be an “Open Book” about myself, I think this is one story that I will hold close to my heart and will choose very carefully who I share it with. It’s sort of strange because it’s not so much that I am afraid of how others would think of me, as it is how deeply this experience touched me, changed me. Although what I was doing was very wrong; although at one point I was more scared than I have ever been in my life; although I never would have consciously asked to go through something so agonizing; although the course of my future hinged on the answer to one big question; what I have come away with from all of it has made me a new man, a better man, a man who wants to be close to God and seek Him more than I think I ever have in my life.

I believe God more when He says that He will give us the strength to bear any burden. I am convicted that truly God is not mocked—we reap what we sow. I decided to put Him to the test on this and His Words proved true. I also was fortunate to experience His mercy, though I didn’t deserve it. I believe more with my heart that when God says He will finish the good work He set out to do in each of His children, He will do that—even if it means allowing us to go through some excruciatingly painful experiences to get us there. I believe more than ever that we better not try to rationalize wrong behavior for any reason. If He tells me to do something or not to do something, if I disobey, I am walking on thin ice. More dangerously, I am walking AWAY from Him. I have seen that though we may wish we could spare others heartache by having them learn from our own sad experiences, sometimes we are just too hard-headed to listen until we experience something firsthand. I have experienced God’s love for me in a deep and touching way. In regard to all these lessons, I feel like saying with Job, “My ears have heard, but now my eyes have seen.”

No longer will I sit on the fence between good and evil. I know which side I want to be on. The evil side—just kidding. That was my one attempt at humor for this entry. I want to walk in the path of righteousness, to follow in Jesus’ footsteps even though I know I will be so imperfect at it. No longer am I going to spend my life griping and complaining and worrying. God is big enough to take care of me. He has the best plans for me. I’ve been scared like I’ve never been before, and He was there for me. I can surely face the much smaller fears that I face on a daily and weekly basis if I look to Him and remember this experience.

God is truly amazing. He can turn some of our biggest failures in life into some of His greatest victories to benefit our relationship with Him. I am so thankful to Him for doing that in my life.