A Second Night Of Loneliness
Day two of being up past midnight, feeling the loneliness gnaw at me, and deciding to bring those emotions to the blog pad instead of trying to run from them. I don't know if I feel any better by writing about it, but if nothing else, I'm allowing this loneliness to drive me to a creative outlet instead of towards a sexually or chemically induced oblivion. I don't need that anymore. I've hurt myself too much in this life. I need to start taking care of myself. I need to start being kind towards Shannon and those around him.
Lately, one of the lies I've told myself over and over again, is how much I'm missing out on by not being sexually active. All the fun I'm depriving myself of by not going out and fornicating. By not having one or two friends with benefits or a steady girlfriend that I can sleep with when we want. The excitement I'm missing by not having a fling here and there. And yes, I have to admit, all that does sound like fun, and really, it sounds way more exciting than my life has been as a celibate christian single this last year. God, a few good friends, and I know how hard I've tried at times to not be.
And you know, if it wasn't for my firm belief that most singles have similar feelings as mine at one time or another, I might be very hesitant to put my honest feelings up on the internet. But I know most of us think what I'm confessing to at one time or another or at many times in our lives. The way of sin and "doing my own thing as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else" is so appealing. Sleeping around as long as we are "two consenting adults" sounds like fun, definitely more fun than being single and alone. I've allowed myself to buy into these lies more times than I could possibly count, and lost myself in fantasies of going out and living it. And I'd be lying even now as I type this if I pretended that part of me doesn't still want to believe the lie. Even the Bible says that sin has its season of fun. Man, my body hears the call of the wild, so to speak.
But I know that by not going down that path this past year, I've saved myself heartache, guilt, shame, drama. I've not damaged my heart further with another ill-advised relationship. I know I've been far from pure and saintly in all my thoughts and actions this year, but at least I don't have to look at 2007 and ask myself, "What were you thinking when you jumped into bed with her??? Haven't you learned from your past mistakes?? Don't you realize you're not getting any younger?? What about becoming pure for God and His plans for you???" I don't have to ask myself those questions this year. Thank God for that! Yes, I've got serious issues to work on. I've got to keep confronting my tendency to run to sexual escapes online and in my head when I want to zone out from life for a while. But at least I didn't compound my problems this year by taking a huge step back into a sinful relationship. Yes, thank You for that victory, Lord! Thank You, thank You, thank You!!! I'm so grateful I don't have to look at 2007 and think to myself, "That was the year I dated so-and-so. It was a bad relationship and one I regret." Thanks to God for that not being something I'll say about '07!
I want to be done with hurting myself and others by either "hermitizing" - going into my cave and hiding from the world - or haphazardly falling into dead end and/or sinful relationships. In the first instance, I hide from the real world. I don't allow myself the blessing and joy of being around others. Of making new friendships, of building on current ones. Of possibly meeting someone that could become "the one." And I deprive my family and friends and future friends of myself. I tend to minimize the impact I can have on others. I forget that there are people in this world who need and want me in their lives. I don't see that I can be a blessing to others. I don't think about how perhaps one night when I spent the wee hours of the night zoning out on the computer, perhaps there was a buddy who could've used a phone call from me. Or perhaps I could've written a short note to someone who needed a little boost. Or perhaps I could've just done something nice for myself instead of engaging in the short-lived ecstasy of a fantasy- and orgasm-induced intoxication. (I know that's TMI, but I don't care. It's me. It's what I really go through and feel at lonely times like these. So be it.) This isolation has been my bread and butter of how I have dealt with loneliness and pain in my life. Isolation and escape from reality into a fantasy world where life doesn't hurt so much. I want something better than this now.
The other way I've coped is through falling into bad relationships. Granted, I haven't had many, and sometimes I wonder if bad relationships wouldn't have been better than my isolating tendencies. But what's done is done, and neither is a very good way of living. And in the relationships I have been in, I've created quite a lot of pain for others and myself. I've not just stagnated; I've set myself back as a result of these relationships. I honestly believe that were it not for the relationships I fell into after my divorce, I'd be remarried with a family of my own by now. I'll never know in this life all the possible joys and blessings I've deprived myself and others because of bad relationship choices.
And I can see some of the awful pain I've caused others in my relationships. I can rattle off the names of those I dated as well as those that suffered indirect fallout from those relationships. Poor Gladys down in Florida, oh, how I hurt her! Oh, how evil it was of me to think that I could use her for a summer of fun and then just toss her out of my life. I think she was the first true love in my life, the first woman I ever really "fell in love with." And here I had thoughts of using her as entertainment for a summer of my life. Oh, I regret hurting her the way I did. I regret leaving her behind in Florida to deal with being pregnant on her own. I regret abandoning her in that dark time of her life. Gladys, if you ever read this, know that I have come to see how I deserted you and only served as one more poor example of a guy mistreating you and abusing that beautiful little girl I see in you. I used to see myself as somehow the more righteous party in our relationship, as the victim of all your wrongs, but not vice-versa. I know better now. You suffered at my hands as well. You were a victim of the evil that lurked in me, but I didn't see it at the time. Forgive me. I love you more than that and you deserved so much better from me than what I gave you. I know I've told you I was sorry for how I treated you, but I don't think I've ever acknowledged that how I hurt you was just as wrong and evil as how you hurt me. The death of our child was the most dramatic and heartrending event in our stormy relationship, but it was wrongs done by both you and me that led to that tragedy. We were both guilty. You were guilty of taking her life. I was guilty of not stepping in to save her life. I want you to know you do not have to go through life feeling it was a one-sided affair. We both had to have the blood of Jesus to cover our sins against our daughter, Lina. Gladys, maybe you never even felt this way, but in case you did, I want you to know I share that burden of guilt with you, and I have had to go to God and ask for mercy and forgiveness as well. In my more honest moments, I've had to admit that I abandoned you and Lina. I was not there for either of you in those weeks of darkness and confusion. I did not take steps that a real, self-sacrificing father would have taken. I want you to know that I am sorry for all this. I don't know exactly what I would've done differently, but I do know that had I not been so concerned with my own plans and schemes, and more concerned with you and Lina, things would've turned out differently and better. I ask your forgiveness, and knowing how you are, I trust you will give it to me. I am so sorry for how I hurt you. If there is anything I can ever do to make amends for how I hurt you, please tell me. I am so sorry, and I love you dearly, probably more than you imagine. I now see myself in the same way I used to see you - as one in need of forgiveness for the awful things I did to you. You are my equal and I see myself as no better and no worse than you now. I see myself in as much need of God's grace and forgiveness as I used to see you in need of them. I hope you will forgive me of all my condescension and self-righteousness that you experienced from me, but I was unable or unwilling to admit at the time. You have my sincere and humble apology.
Okay, so I didn't know I was going to write all that. It must have been stirring around in me though. I meant it. I think that's all I'm going to write for now.
Lately, one of the lies I've told myself over and over again, is how much I'm missing out on by not being sexually active. All the fun I'm depriving myself of by not going out and fornicating. By not having one or two friends with benefits or a steady girlfriend that I can sleep with when we want. The excitement I'm missing by not having a fling here and there. And yes, I have to admit, all that does sound like fun, and really, it sounds way more exciting than my life has been as a celibate christian single this last year. God, a few good friends, and I know how hard I've tried at times to not be.
And you know, if it wasn't for my firm belief that most singles have similar feelings as mine at one time or another, I might be very hesitant to put my honest feelings up on the internet. But I know most of us think what I'm confessing to at one time or another or at many times in our lives. The way of sin and "doing my own thing as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else" is so appealing. Sleeping around as long as we are "two consenting adults" sounds like fun, definitely more fun than being single and alone. I've allowed myself to buy into these lies more times than I could possibly count, and lost myself in fantasies of going out and living it. And I'd be lying even now as I type this if I pretended that part of me doesn't still want to believe the lie. Even the Bible says that sin has its season of fun. Man, my body hears the call of the wild, so to speak.
But I know that by not going down that path this past year, I've saved myself heartache, guilt, shame, drama. I've not damaged my heart further with another ill-advised relationship. I know I've been far from pure and saintly in all my thoughts and actions this year, but at least I don't have to look at 2007 and ask myself, "What were you thinking when you jumped into bed with her??? Haven't you learned from your past mistakes?? Don't you realize you're not getting any younger?? What about becoming pure for God and His plans for you???" I don't have to ask myself those questions this year. Thank God for that! Yes, I've got serious issues to work on. I've got to keep confronting my tendency to run to sexual escapes online and in my head when I want to zone out from life for a while. But at least I didn't compound my problems this year by taking a huge step back into a sinful relationship. Yes, thank You for that victory, Lord! Thank You, thank You, thank You!!! I'm so grateful I don't have to look at 2007 and think to myself, "That was the year I dated so-and-so. It was a bad relationship and one I regret." Thanks to God for that not being something I'll say about '07!
I want to be done with hurting myself and others by either "hermitizing" - going into my cave and hiding from the world - or haphazardly falling into dead end and/or sinful relationships. In the first instance, I hide from the real world. I don't allow myself the blessing and joy of being around others. Of making new friendships, of building on current ones. Of possibly meeting someone that could become "the one." And I deprive my family and friends and future friends of myself. I tend to minimize the impact I can have on others. I forget that there are people in this world who need and want me in their lives. I don't see that I can be a blessing to others. I don't think about how perhaps one night when I spent the wee hours of the night zoning out on the computer, perhaps there was a buddy who could've used a phone call from me. Or perhaps I could've written a short note to someone who needed a little boost. Or perhaps I could've just done something nice for myself instead of engaging in the short-lived ecstasy of a fantasy- and orgasm-induced intoxication. (I know that's TMI, but I don't care. It's me. It's what I really go through and feel at lonely times like these. So be it.) This isolation has been my bread and butter of how I have dealt with loneliness and pain in my life. Isolation and escape from reality into a fantasy world where life doesn't hurt so much. I want something better than this now.
The other way I've coped is through falling into bad relationships. Granted, I haven't had many, and sometimes I wonder if bad relationships wouldn't have been better than my isolating tendencies. But what's done is done, and neither is a very good way of living. And in the relationships I have been in, I've created quite a lot of pain for others and myself. I've not just stagnated; I've set myself back as a result of these relationships. I honestly believe that were it not for the relationships I fell into after my divorce, I'd be remarried with a family of my own by now. I'll never know in this life all the possible joys and blessings I've deprived myself and others because of bad relationship choices.
And I can see some of the awful pain I've caused others in my relationships. I can rattle off the names of those I dated as well as those that suffered indirect fallout from those relationships. Poor Gladys down in Florida, oh, how I hurt her! Oh, how evil it was of me to think that I could use her for a summer of fun and then just toss her out of my life. I think she was the first true love in my life, the first woman I ever really "fell in love with." And here I had thoughts of using her as entertainment for a summer of my life. Oh, I regret hurting her the way I did. I regret leaving her behind in Florida to deal with being pregnant on her own. I regret abandoning her in that dark time of her life. Gladys, if you ever read this, know that I have come to see how I deserted you and only served as one more poor example of a guy mistreating you and abusing that beautiful little girl I see in you. I used to see myself as somehow the more righteous party in our relationship, as the victim of all your wrongs, but not vice-versa. I know better now. You suffered at my hands as well. You were a victim of the evil that lurked in me, but I didn't see it at the time. Forgive me. I love you more than that and you deserved so much better from me than what I gave you. I know I've told you I was sorry for how I treated you, but I don't think I've ever acknowledged that how I hurt you was just as wrong and evil as how you hurt me. The death of our child was the most dramatic and heartrending event in our stormy relationship, but it was wrongs done by both you and me that led to that tragedy. We were both guilty. You were guilty of taking her life. I was guilty of not stepping in to save her life. I want you to know you do not have to go through life feeling it was a one-sided affair. We both had to have the blood of Jesus to cover our sins against our daughter, Lina. Gladys, maybe you never even felt this way, but in case you did, I want you to know I share that burden of guilt with you, and I have had to go to God and ask for mercy and forgiveness as well. In my more honest moments, I've had to admit that I abandoned you and Lina. I was not there for either of you in those weeks of darkness and confusion. I did not take steps that a real, self-sacrificing father would have taken. I want you to know that I am sorry for all this. I don't know exactly what I would've done differently, but I do know that had I not been so concerned with my own plans and schemes, and more concerned with you and Lina, things would've turned out differently and better. I ask your forgiveness, and knowing how you are, I trust you will give it to me. I am so sorry for how I hurt you. If there is anything I can ever do to make amends for how I hurt you, please tell me. I am so sorry, and I love you dearly, probably more than you imagine. I now see myself in the same way I used to see you - as one in need of forgiveness for the awful things I did to you. You are my equal and I see myself as no better and no worse than you now. I see myself in as much need of God's grace and forgiveness as I used to see you in need of them. I hope you will forgive me of all my condescension and self-righteousness that you experienced from me, but I was unable or unwilling to admit at the time. You have my sincere and humble apology.
Okay, so I didn't know I was going to write all that. It must have been stirring around in me though. I meant it. I think that's all I'm going to write for now.
posted by wwiiguy at 12:51 AM
1 comments
