Latent Sadness

This grief seems to pick its own times and places to show its head. I go to counseling and as I show Joanie the paperwork from the abortion and talk to her about it, I find myself getting sadder. I go to the cemetary later and sit by Pom Pom's grave and talk to her and God about little baby and I have a hard time feeling anything....nary a tear falls from my eyes. It chooses when it wants to show up like I don't have a say in the matter. I have taken this week off from work and I wonder how it is helping me to deal with things. Part of me thinks that to deal with things I should be crying and weeping and asking God, "Why, why, why?" every second of every day of this week off. But I am hoping that even if I can't openly let as much of this grief out as I'd like, just the relaxing, watching movies, journalling, sitting outside, doing nothing unless I want to - I'm hoping all these things are part of the process of grieving for my daughter. Of course I have also been dealing with this in some destructive ways, and I talked to Joanie about this and how I'm desperate to make good changes in my life from this experience. I want this moment in my life to be a watershed - is that the correct word for a new beginning? Not just any beginning, but a radical new beginning in the course my life takes.

I miss my little daughter, even just checking in with Gladys to see how she and the baby are doing. Why did she take our child's life?? Why? I wanted her so badly....Ha, I just looked up "watershed" in the dictionary. I was right, it was the word I was looking for, not to mention its a beautiful sounding word, I think.

I was talking to Joanie about her and she said that it's impossible at that early age in the pregnancy to know what sex the baby is. What if when I finally meet her, I found out little Perlina Estelle is a boy?? Well then, I guess little Lina will be little Warrior Malachi. That was going to be its name if it was a boy - "Warrior Malachi". And I was going to catch all kinds of grief for it. One of these days, I'll know these things.....

Oh God, my Father and Jesus, I am sad for not being able to have my daughter. I wanted her, and still want her so much. If there was a way, in my heart I still think crazy ideas like what if the abortion was just a big hoax on Gladys' part so she could keep our child without me in the picture?? Oh God, I know it's not true, but I just hold out hope in some small corner of me. But I know she is dead and with You now, I miss her so. Oh Father, hold me and those hurting from her death. Hold me, Jesus, I need You so much now!! Help me, hold me!! I need you! Be close to me, protect me from myself and Satan and this world. I am so close to doing things wrong, I need You! Lord, help me deal with the grief and sadness inside me.....in Jesus' name I'm asking You, amen.