Agreements

The past two days have been trying emotionally. Yesterday, I learned of some pretty horrible things that my little sister is going through. Suffice it to say that these things are the things parents’ nightmares are made of. Can’t say any of it really surprised me too much though, because I’ve always known that just like Tam and myself had, my younger brother and sister have a lot of tumultuous emotions just brewing under the surface of their outward demeanors. It’s sad, but seems to be a natural by-product of growing up in the ******** household. Years of living in an extremely critical environment, coupled with a severe suppression of openly expressing ourselves, seems to be what has bred it, at least from my point-of-view. The good thing is that I believe this is going to be the beginning of a new chapter for my sister. What I really fear now though is that in the pursuit of “finding herself” she is going to run into all kinds of wrong spiritual notions, beliefs and ideas. And unfortunately, whereas my Dad pretty much crammed the religious stuff down Tam’s and my throats, he seemed to have swung to the opposite side of the pendulum with Brent and Ash. From what I can see, they have been given very limited spiritual guidance. And I feel bad that I haven’t been more of a spiritual presence in these formative years of their lives. Well, I’ve got to remember that they are in God’s ultimate, all-powerful Hands. Easy to remind others of that when discussing their unsaved family members, not so easy to take that same statement on faith when it pertains to those closest to me.

That was the bad news I got yesterday. At first I thought I was taking it very well, until after I got off the phone with my Mom and Tam. As for my Mom, after I got done talking with her, I felt bad, because I think I may have been a little too abrupt with some of the things I said. And Tam and I got onto a tangent about religion when I mentioned something about Ashley getting into some false ideas. Well, Tam is pretty much against any sort of “organized religion”. I don’t think she’s quite learned to separate what happened to us growing up from what and who God and Jesus Christ really are. What it really means to be a Christian. She has it all confused with “church” and so on. Well, I came home early today from a weather-shortened flight with time on my hands. I got online to do a few things and then my mind starting wandering further and further down that slippery, ever-steepening slope. I could hear God warning me, but I refused to get up and move away from the computer. Without going into all the gory details, I had one of my infamous internet binges. I’ve got to wonder if the emotions going on inside of me right now because of what Ashley is going through, somehow are connected. In fact, I’m sure they are. When stress or pain builds up in my life, all that sex stuff is how I have become conditioned to deal with it. That being said, I am not making an excuse for my behavior. I could’ve gotten up from the computer, but I didn’t. In fact, with the things going on in my family, I would’ve been wise to be on my guard especially at this time.

Well, that’s a brief synopsis of the last couple days emotional garbage, not to mention the fact that I’m going to be relocating here in the next day or two as the weather permits. That is stressful as well. Another thing I’m gradually learning to give to God and place my trust in Him.

So, after my internet binge, thankfully I decided to get back up off the ground and get back with God. One really cool thing about having this laptop and the internet is that I can listen and watch the Vineyard church services online. I listened to the January sermon on Spiritual Warfare—it’s about the fourth or fifth time I’ve played it, and each time I think a little more of it sinks into my soul. At the end, Dave talks about agreements that we’ve made with the Devil—those lies that he has told each of us, those deeply personal falsehoods that we’ve fallen for and accepted over time. The previous times I listened to this message I was really having a hard time thinking of any that apply to me. But this time, several came to mind, and besides purging my soul up above of the emotional garbage and guilt, I wanted to write about some of these lies that I have accepted and allowed to take root deep in my soul:

1. I am and always will be addicted to some form of deviant sexual behavior. I’ve struggled with it for most of my life, and I’ll never beat it. And a step beyond that, I will most definitely always be addicted to addictive behaviors, whether that be sexual in nature, abusing alcohol, money, games—you name it and I’ve probably used it to escape from reality to an unhealthy degree.

2. I will never reach the potential that God has for me. In other words, there are people He’d like to touch through me, and I’m never going to get to that place where He can really use me to that end. Just look at what’s happening to my very own family. Sometimes, I feel like we’re slowly but surely disintegrating as a coherent family unit.

3. Following God means missing out on a fun life. If I follow Him with all my heart, I will lose out on experiencing the desires of my heart. I see how life has been so far—lots of pain and turmoil—and I’ve known God at some level since being a very small child. A painful, self-denying lifestyle seems to go hand-in-hand with following God.

4. If I don’t have a relationship, I am incomplete. Dreadfully incomplete. Staying single and unattached, never having any children of my own, would be just about the worst possible thing that could happen to me.

These are the lies that came to mind as I listened to the message online and prayed to my Father in Heaven. These are the lies that I have allowed to take root deep in my soul. They have influenced how I live, the decisions I make. Instead of operating out of the light of God’s truth, I have allowed my enemy, the Devil to gain strongholds in me in the form of these lies. And I know there are others besides these.

I prayed to God to take these lies and to replace them with His truth. I repented of these wrong ideas and asked Him to help me live in the light of His truth:

1. I can and will overcome my addictions to various forms of sexual misconduct. With His help, He will give me the victory. And in fact, I know in my heart that I am making progress. I can see how I am drawing closer to Him since taking this job that places me far from the people and things I am familiar with. As I become filled with Him, there will be no more room for sinful ways. This goes for all my addictive behaviors.

2. God will fulfill His purpose for me. I am a failure without Him, but with Him, I am unstoppable. His Word says that He will accomplish His purposes in His people. I am His, therefore He will do that in me. And if He intends to use me to reach anyone in my family, that He will do. And again, I can see that He is making me stronger in Him. I will not be the big failure that I have believed I would be for so long. I will become the saint that God is daily forming in me.

3. Just like I was mentioning that my sister Tam has some issues with religion that she unfortunately pins onto God and Jesus, I have been doing the same thing with this false idea that following God means no fun and excitement. In fact, I can see times including now, when as I follow Him, life becomes quite the adventure. To quote one of my Dad’s favorite phrases, “The problem is,” it’s been the rare time in my adult life that I have given myself over to Him completely and for any sustained amount of time. Therefore, the years of my adult life have been full of long intervals of pain and remorse and hurt, interrupted by brief moments of receiving God’s blessing as He would like to give to me. No more am I going to fall for the lie that following God is the problem and source of my misery. Just the opposite. Following Him and surrendering myself completely is going to bring the abundant life as Jesus said.

4. I do not have to have a girlfriend or be married to be complete. I don’t have to extend my lineage to be complete. These are strong desires to be true, but they are not requirements in order for me to be a complete person. My completeness is to be found in Christ Jesus alone. Anything He adds to that is called gravy :)

So, these are the truths as I think God has shown me that are to replace the lies I have been holding near and dear to my heart for so long. As I embrace these truths, my decisions and my life will become clearer, just as a filthy, polluted stream transforms into a clear, life-giving stream when clean water begins to flow into it again.

God be praised for His goodness to me……what would I do without Him?