Countdown to leaving Cincinnati....again....ugh
Okay, well I warned you in the Introduction what you were in for with my journal, so I don't have any sympathy for you for if you feel like you just wasted 3 minutes of your life by the time you get done reading this entry. If that's how you feel afterwards, why don't you just head on over to your own blog and complain to your own dedicated readers....if you don't have one, then start one. I'm a blogger, she's a blogger, wouldn't you like to be a blogger too? You win a cookie if you can tell me what commercial jingle I'm mimicking there. Oh, by the way, I welcome comments, preferably ones that are encouraging, empathetic and have the phone number of a cute dark-haired girl that wants to talk to me! I've sort of got the Charlie Brown thing going, only I tend to be partial to dark hair, not red hair.
Okay, so enough meaningless chitter-chatter. On to business, I didn't mean for this entry to become entertaining. This one is going to be your first experience with my ability to whine, complain, worry and fret all at the same time. I'm good at it. I've come to learn about myself that no matter what good thing happens to me, I have a tremendous knack for finding something new to worry over. If you don't believe me, you'll soon find out.
The title says "Countdown to leaving Cincy....blah blah blah"--something to that effect anyway. And sure enough, I'm leaving good ol' home this coming Wednesday night. I'm going Greyhound (yippee) to Hampton, Virginia for my new job as an aerial imaging pilot. For the next few months--in fact, probably almost 100% of the time until I quit the job--I will be flying a little Cessna 172 from one jobsite to the next, staying in one place anywhere from one week to a month or more, living out of hotels or if I'm fortunate, finding temporary housing with friends or people looking for boarders.....I'll say roommates, that makes me sound less like a nomad or drifter. I know the bouncing around from place to place and always having to rent a car and eat out is going to get old fast.
I just finished one of the loneliest times in my life when I lived down in Florida for a little over 2 1/2 years for my flight training and then working as an instructor. I've told several people that I'd rather go through my divorce all over again than to have to go through that lonely experience again. I didn't know a soul when I moved down there, and to be honest, I never did make any really good friends down there. You know, the kind of friends that you really enjoy hanging out with and help get you through the rough times. And on top of that, I can count on both hands the number of dates I went on down there. It has been sooooo long since I've had a girlfriend! And it's been just as long since I've......uhh, had sex. Ugh, how frustrating it is to be a single christian guy sometimes.
I'm going to get a couple things out in the open about myself right now. First of all, if you read about me, you saw that I'm a christian. Well, God has seen fit to make it clear to me that sex is something only to be had in marriage.....not that I haven't made a few boo boo's along life's journey. But, after a few broken relationships after my divorce, I finally made up my mind to obey Him, at least in that one respect. It has been, oh, I'd say almost 4 years since I've enjoyed the pleasure of sex! I'm about ready to explode! Let me tell you, if and when I ever do find someone special again, God help me to control my desires! And then if we marry, God help my wife! I've heard that a guy's sex drive begins to diminish after his 20's. I don't know what they're talking about, and I don't think they know either. Now, while you're thinking I'm some goody-two-shoes or whatever that term is, let me tell you another thing about myself. I struggle with a lot of sexual vices such as porn, telephone and internet chats, the big M, going nuts whenever I see a woman in a bathing suit. I guess some people think all that is just normal behavior in our day, but being a christian, I know it's not. And it tears me up inside struggling with it. Living out of hotels and being a nomad for the next 3-9 months is going to be a challenge to put it nicely. I pray and pray and pray for God's help. I just hope I'm not too stubborn to walk the path He lights for me in the coming days, weeks, and months.
So, I'm glad I got that out of the way. Even though you and I may never meet in real life or talk, I always feel like those things about me are hanging over my head until I share them. It's like you want someone to know you, but you're afraid and confused as to how much and when you should share certain things. Obviously, the whole addiction to porn and its friends is a skeleton in the closet of my life, but it's sad that so often, I also feel like the fact that I'm trying to be celibate until if or when I'm married is also something that needs to be thrown in that closet full of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. If a single guy doesn't have a girlfriend or is not at least getting laid every now and then, he's obviously gay--that's how I feel society's perception is at times. And truthfully, I can't say that I'm really happy with my decision to be celibate most of the time either. There are so many times when I get frustrated and angry with God for not hiding His ways from me, so that I could with a conscience free of guilt, join in on all the bed-hopping and weekend sex with a girlfriend/boyfriend that it seems the rest of the single world is enjoying. Oh, please remind me that I'm not the only 20- or 30- or 40-something that is swimming against this current! Because most of the time, that is exactly how it feels. You know, now that I think about it, I don't think it's the lack of sex that is so hard to deal with in being celibate. Of course, that is difficult, but I think what is even more challenging are the feelings of being alone in the struggle to be pure morally. It is lonely enough being single, but add to that the insecurity and looks of astonishment and feelings of being the only person on earth not having sex on a Friday or Saturday night--Wow, I can't believe I'm being so honest about all this!
One thing I have found about myself when I write is that it often helps me to understand much better afterwards what all is swirling around in my head. It's like it's a huge maelstrom of sour, unpleasant feelings and emotions mixed in with the circumstances of my life--some good, some not so good--along with a few positive emotions as well--all swimming around up in my head. And until I take the time to put pen to paper so to speak, so often I go through the days of my life not having a clue as to what is going on up there.
Well, as sometimes happens, I got off on some tangents that I never intended to take. TMI for some of you, perhaps, but I warned you. But before I go and try to catch a little sleep, let me add to my complaints of sexual frustration, guilt, shame and fear, that I am experiencing a medium level of stressed-outedness over trying to get a bunch of errands and chores done before I have to leave Wednesday night. Also, I always dread leaving behind my friends and family. I was sincerely hoping that when I came back home from Florida around Christmas that would be the last time I'd have to move away. Such was not to be. I hope this job will be the last time I have to be gone for an extended period from those I love dearly. As much as I love flying, life isn't all about that. While I lived down in Florida, for the first time, I really came to dislike goodbyes. They are absolutely no fun. Ugh, how I hate them. I hate the time leading up to a goodbye, the goodbye itself and then the few minutes following a goodbye. Concentrated sadness is what it is.
Okay, so you've had your first dose of me barfing up my feelings, of me laying my dirt out in the open, of me complaining and whining about how hard I have it. Was it as enjoyable for you as it was for me??? But seriously folks, you've been a great audience tonight, take care and drive home safely tonight :)
Okay, so enough meaningless chitter-chatter. On to business, I didn't mean for this entry to become entertaining. This one is going to be your first experience with my ability to whine, complain, worry and fret all at the same time. I'm good at it. I've come to learn about myself that no matter what good thing happens to me, I have a tremendous knack for finding something new to worry over. If you don't believe me, you'll soon find out.
The title says "Countdown to leaving Cincy....blah blah blah"--something to that effect anyway. And sure enough, I'm leaving good ol' home this coming Wednesday night. I'm going Greyhound (yippee) to Hampton, Virginia for my new job as an aerial imaging pilot. For the next few months--in fact, probably almost 100% of the time until I quit the job--I will be flying a little Cessna 172 from one jobsite to the next, staying in one place anywhere from one week to a month or more, living out of hotels or if I'm fortunate, finding temporary housing with friends or people looking for boarders.....I'll say roommates, that makes me sound less like a nomad or drifter. I know the bouncing around from place to place and always having to rent a car and eat out is going to get old fast.
I just finished one of the loneliest times in my life when I lived down in Florida for a little over 2 1/2 years for my flight training and then working as an instructor. I've told several people that I'd rather go through my divorce all over again than to have to go through that lonely experience again. I didn't know a soul when I moved down there, and to be honest, I never did make any really good friends down there. You know, the kind of friends that you really enjoy hanging out with and help get you through the rough times. And on top of that, I can count on both hands the number of dates I went on down there. It has been sooooo long since I've had a girlfriend! And it's been just as long since I've......uhh, had sex. Ugh, how frustrating it is to be a single christian guy sometimes.
I'm going to get a couple things out in the open about myself right now. First of all, if you read about me, you saw that I'm a christian. Well, God has seen fit to make it clear to me that sex is something only to be had in marriage.....not that I haven't made a few boo boo's along life's journey. But, after a few broken relationships after my divorce, I finally made up my mind to obey Him, at least in that one respect. It has been, oh, I'd say almost 4 years since I've enjoyed the pleasure of sex! I'm about ready to explode! Let me tell you, if and when I ever do find someone special again, God help me to control my desires! And then if we marry, God help my wife! I've heard that a guy's sex drive begins to diminish after his 20's. I don't know what they're talking about, and I don't think they know either. Now, while you're thinking I'm some goody-two-shoes or whatever that term is, let me tell you another thing about myself. I struggle with a lot of sexual vices such as porn, telephone and internet chats, the big M, going nuts whenever I see a woman in a bathing suit. I guess some people think all that is just normal behavior in our day, but being a christian, I know it's not. And it tears me up inside struggling with it. Living out of hotels and being a nomad for the next 3-9 months is going to be a challenge to put it nicely. I pray and pray and pray for God's help. I just hope I'm not too stubborn to walk the path He lights for me in the coming days, weeks, and months.
So, I'm glad I got that out of the way. Even though you and I may never meet in real life or talk, I always feel like those things about me are hanging over my head until I share them. It's like you want someone to know you, but you're afraid and confused as to how much and when you should share certain things. Obviously, the whole addiction to porn and its friends is a skeleton in the closet of my life, but it's sad that so often, I also feel like the fact that I'm trying to be celibate until if or when I'm married is also something that needs to be thrown in that closet full of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. If a single guy doesn't have a girlfriend or is not at least getting laid every now and then, he's obviously gay--that's how I feel society's perception is at times. And truthfully, I can't say that I'm really happy with my decision to be celibate most of the time either. There are so many times when I get frustrated and angry with God for not hiding His ways from me, so that I could with a conscience free of guilt, join in on all the bed-hopping and weekend sex with a girlfriend/boyfriend that it seems the rest of the single world is enjoying. Oh, please remind me that I'm not the only 20- or 30- or 40-something that is swimming against this current! Because most of the time, that is exactly how it feels. You know, now that I think about it, I don't think it's the lack of sex that is so hard to deal with in being celibate. Of course, that is difficult, but I think what is even more challenging are the feelings of being alone in the struggle to be pure morally. It is lonely enough being single, but add to that the insecurity and looks of astonishment and feelings of being the only person on earth not having sex on a Friday or Saturday night--Wow, I can't believe I'm being so honest about all this!
One thing I have found about myself when I write is that it often helps me to understand much better afterwards what all is swirling around in my head. It's like it's a huge maelstrom of sour, unpleasant feelings and emotions mixed in with the circumstances of my life--some good, some not so good--along with a few positive emotions as well--all swimming around up in my head. And until I take the time to put pen to paper so to speak, so often I go through the days of my life not having a clue as to what is going on up there.
Well, as sometimes happens, I got off on some tangents that I never intended to take. TMI for some of you, perhaps, but I warned you. But before I go and try to catch a little sleep, let me add to my complaints of sexual frustration, guilt, shame and fear, that I am experiencing a medium level of stressed-outedness over trying to get a bunch of errands and chores done before I have to leave Wednesday night. Also, I always dread leaving behind my friends and family. I was sincerely hoping that when I came back home from Florida around Christmas that would be the last time I'd have to move away. Such was not to be. I hope this job will be the last time I have to be gone for an extended period from those I love dearly. As much as I love flying, life isn't all about that. While I lived down in Florida, for the first time, I really came to dislike goodbyes. They are absolutely no fun. Ugh, how I hate them. I hate the time leading up to a goodbye, the goodbye itself and then the few minutes following a goodbye. Concentrated sadness is what it is.
Okay, so you've had your first dose of me barfing up my feelings, of me laying my dirt out in the open, of me complaining and whining about how hard I have it. Was it as enjoyable for you as it was for me??? But seriously folks, you've been a great audience tonight, take care and drive home safely tonight :)
posted by wwiiguy at 3:35 AM
1 Comments:
was this posted this morning???? if it was, I somehow WAY skipped over it.
you are on your way by now and I pray God keeps you safe. I relate to so much of what you've said about struggling with the morality of life when you are a Christian. Wouldn't it be so much easier (and at times a tad bit more fun) to just not believe? Yeah, I never take the easy way out either. Call it a curse....or in this case, a blessing.
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